NEW STUDENT WEEK GOES NUCLEAR Mary Desler slays the four-headed frat dragon

No one really thought the Greek system would escape unscathed from new student week. Guess what? You were right!

Brace yourselves for article-style Kassner.

So. Mary Desler called an emergency meeting of the heads of IFC frats and Panhel sororities Thursday. At dusk, she shuffled into the gilded halls of Scott Hall, and sat. She flipped through a small stack of 80-weight printer paper, fingering flyers, police reports and emergency room records.

Frats du jour Pike, DU, SAE and Beta — would-be Delt replacers all — were implicated in a panoply of banal schemes to intoxicate freshmen and otherwise embarrass themselves. Over the last 72 hours, three freshmen girls have been hospitalized with alcohol-related conditions, Desler read from hospital records. They came from separate parties; one a victim of DU, the others of Beta and Pike. Then she got to SAE: flyers peppering campus about being "true gentlemen" had directions to an off-campus party on the flip side.

As a result, her highness is referring all four frats, two of which (DU and Pike) are on social probation, to UHAS, the evil acronym that did in Delt. (More on that tomorrow.) She is seeking their suspension. See what happens when you try to replace the DTD?

Oooh, also. I almost forgot. There are possibly police records of a white van brimming with bubbly sorority girls escorting freshmen boys to off-campus parties. Hmm, sound ridiculous? Ahhh I am so scared of you, Mary Desler.

POMP AND BOMBAST Letter to the Oriana: This bitch also fights outdoors.

You may recall that some time ago I delved into the murky question of who the Daily has appointed to officiate culture this quarter. I did some shoddy reporting! It turns out that Oriana Schwindt, one of these culture mongers, does not write about music all the fucking time. (There was, however, this helpless paean of a lede: "Stop downloading and save the music industry." Which supports her decision to stay away from such coverage, no?)

Onwards. In addition to pointing out she does not write about music all the fucking time, Oriana points out that I do not have permission to republish her facebook photo. Indeed, I did not.

So, Oriana. Anytime you want, we can take this squabble to the great outdoors and you can empty my bank account. All $22.13. It's yours. I did, after all, out you.

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READ Tomorrow's NBN rehash today

Thanks to the marvels of modern RSS, we can all see what's fermenting under the surface at Northbynorthwestern. Tom Giratikanon, your feeds are all screwy!

Expect forthcoming articles on "hooking up," long-distance something (relationships? ooh, a pair!) and a Dance Marathon blog. That's right, everyone. One outlet covering Evanston's most annoying philanthropy was simply not enough.

Harumph. Also, do expect groundbreaking reporting on these topics! In case you missed today's cauldron of swell stories, here's a recap:

• Freshmen moved in to dorms!
• Advice for said freshmen! "Sleep whenever you can." "Go to football games." Not that those don't jibe.
• And, of course, Patrick St. Michel (I also wonder how I allow myself to type that) still thinks he's Ryan Schreiber. Actually, he wrote all of this. Short on staff, anyone?

Yes, well. Behold the future of media! Lord help us all.

DAILY HERESYIn brief: Media, Jews interconnected

The following from Abe Rakov, editor of the Daily:

So Saturday the 22nd is Yom Kippur. We aren't going to have training then anymore. Training will take place at NOON on Sunday the 23rd, which is our first day of work. Please be here by noon so we can get started on time since we have to put out a large paper that day. The training should go from 12-1, then desk meetings from 1-2 (no desk meetings on Saturday anymore). And then the day will go like a normal work day.

Granted, Yom Kippur is a high holiday. But for all you Christians out there, aren't all Sundays holy? And who knew it required training to work at the Daily?

Certainly not the readers.

JUST LIKE LARRY CRAIGNewer, Darker Willie the Wildcat

Three cheers to North By Northwestern for breaking the news that Willie the Wildcat has received quite the makeover.

Personally, we're a bit confused over here at gossipdesk. His fur is darker and his eyes are lacking in color, saying goodbye to that drunken glint that once rested in them. He's missing that endearing gap-toothed smile, which has been replaced by an impossibly human set of teeth (cosmetic surgery?). His eyebrows have been shaved. Also, what's with the plumage protruding from his face? C'mon, this is worse than Osama bin Laden's newly dyed beard!

Given all these changes (which maybe reflect the newer, darker, post 9/11 world, blah blah blah), I'd stay away from airports if I were Willie the Wildcat. Good luck getting through security with this look...

And oh yeah, go cats!

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READBriefly: Our awesome Evanston media roundup

• So you've heard that the CTA is raising its rates because Illinois isn't appropriating a lot of money to it, which kinda sucks. And the buses that run through Evanston aren't being spared.
• And the big debate facing Evanston these days? Whether or not Sarpino's Pizza should be allowed to stay open until 3 a.m. Chiming in with a No is his Lordeth Jean-Baptiste, who says, "I'd hate to have some radical change going on so that we have people hanging out in the parking lot late at night and have to have the police come and end up creating a mess." Yeah. This is the same guy who opposes arresting the crack dealers of the 7th ward.
  

KILLING THEM SOFTLY Execution four ways.

To their credit, Northwestern administrators do cook up some creative ways to shed us of our bothersome Greek system. When it's not outright removal from campus (seriously, we're getting to it. ok, maybe), it's something like last Friday's e-mail from Bill Banis and the UPD chief about "safety and security."

So. Remember those dorm side door restrictions everyone bitched about last year? Yeah, and how all the freshmen were like, Oh, we'll be living in frat houses so who cares? Well, dare to dream, kids. I quoteth Mr. Banis himself:

Effective immediately, locking all fraternity and sorority secondary doors (side doors, fire escapes) and the main entrance to each house 24 hours a day. Of course, locking these doors should not prohibit students from getting out these doors in an emergency. In the future, these doors will be alarmed, in other words, an alarm will sound if the door is opened. Propping doors open is strictly prohibited.

Hmm. So they'll be locked, but not alarmed. For the time being, at least. Could be worse, right? Oh, it goes on.

Turns out the University wants Bill Banis to bounce at all those hopping SAE parties you were too cool to go to:

Installing closed-circuit television cameras at main entrances of all of fraternity and sorority houses. The cameras should help deter unauthorized entry and hopefully also reduce incidents of students permitting others to follow them into the houses after the student has unlocked the door. The planning for the design and installation of the cameras system has begun and it is expected that cameras will begin to be installed this summer and will be completed during Fall quarter.

And that's happening when? Oh, you didn't read that last sentence? We do edit around here from time to time.

Finally, there are some no-nonsense moves that should really dampen Greek life, at least up north. Everyone's getting fobs, those little electronic keychains that make that satisfying noise. More cops are going to be around. And alcohol patrols will be conducted by police officers, not IFC and/or Panhel staff.

So. Welcome back to Evanston. Deathwatch, anyone? Your super fun predictions of when Northwestern's Greek life will be totally irrelevant in the comments, please.

WEEK IN REVIEW Hmph. We were so lazy this week.

So, what did we do this week? A few things, it seems. A few.

• We added Sparks to the endangered species list. After careful, gut-wrenching deliberations, we decided Bud Extra should be left off.
  
• We pondered which frat house freshman girls should check in to during nsw now that Delt's gone. And yeah, we're gonna get to that whole Delt fracas at a tbd date.
  
• We delved into the Theta kitchen and found some seriously depressing guidelines.
• We found out a bunch of PLAY vets who like to write about music all the fucking time are going to be voicing their opinions weekly this fall.
  
• We inaugurated Red States Lose.
  

COLLEGES YOU DIDN'T GET IN TOWhere is the gut classes guide to Northwestern?

One more reason we totally suck? Yale kids send their friends lists of gut classes all the time. And it's not like, Ooh, take Plants & People, it was so easy. This shit is detailed! Comprehensive! Funny, even.

I want one in my inbox, or in the comments, stat. Dickson and I are far too lazy to produce one on our own. Help us out, people. Rogue CTECs by the Gossipdesk. I'd say we're doing it for the freshmen who've yet to sign up for classes, but that would be a really horrendous reason.

Ivy League: What Are The Gut Classes At Yale [Gawker]

THE LOCALSBriefly: Evanston really loves this black guy who is running for president.

If Bill Smith's FEC tabulations are to be believed, nearly 80 percent of Evanston donations are going to Barack Obama. Jesus, people!

Hillary's a little more popular north of Dempster. Hmm, what do you think the change is there? Racial makeup? Ooh, isn't that where that woman with the cats lived? OK, yeah that wasn't really funny.

Anyways. You all love Barack Obama so so much. Eek.

Evanstonian bet on Barack [EvanstonNow]

CHICAGO GETTING EVEN LESS FUNThe war on Sparks. And Bud Extra? Yeah, whatever.

Ever read Chicagoist? It is so bad! First-person plural? Gah! Nonetheless, sometimes they write about something important, as they did on August 27, 2007.

It turns out that Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan and 28 of her comrades are going after Sparks and Bud Extra (omg who cares?) for being marketed to children. If you've never heard of these things, it is a shame. Do not drink the orange ones depicted at right! They will turn your orifices ochre.

Moving on. Chicagoist says this is hooey. They haven't seen any of this marketing to children or underage adults. (See, "they." I am being suckered in.)

Um, whatever. The point is the one kinda Northwestern bar that serves it is Hamilton's, and it will lose so much of its lucre should Lisa Madigan and her comrades succeed.

Debate "Sparks" Over Buzz Worthy Beer [Chicagoist]

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITYWeather, grades, gossip. Just not the bulimia.

A source in Kappa whispers and a source in Theta confirms the unbelievable: To thwart dinner table talk on such nefarious topics as eating disorders (!) and exercise (!), Theta wardens instituted strict rules barring such chatter from the chapter's ornate kitchen.

The rules were supposedly put in place after this year's unsatisfactory rush was blamed on a perception of Thetas as thoughtless treadmill whores lacking intellectual depth. And you thought girls rush was rife with half-truths and deceit!

Oh it goes on. The wardens also debuted upright plastic placards detailing a rotating list of suggested dinner topics. Hmm, do you think those once held the dinner specials? Yeah, ok.

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READThe chemicals between us.

There is another blog about Northwestern out there. The brainchild of a sex-starved Asian girl who went to Harvard, spread her ladyparts and never looked back, it is being not read by college students across the country. From time to time, we point out the differences between us.

What the fuck is going on over at OTR headquarters? They posted four times this morning, which is more than all of this week combined. Is Lena Chen cracking the whip? Why is pretty much every one written by 'wearyourshaydes'? Does anyone read this thing? Does anyone know?

PLAY IS NOT (____)Meet the PLAY panelists!

In perhaps the worst sign yet for the slowly gestating fall staff of the Daily Northwestern, PLAY seems to be fully staffed up. In fact, editor Dani Garcia notified everyone in the world — yeah, on the listserv, but come on, who are you, Abe Rakov? — that the panelists had been hired as early as August 21. I haven't even hired deputies or assistants, but that's another story.

Anyways. Here are this fall's cultural geniuses, with some clues as to their aesthetic leanings.

Let us begin with PLAY groupie Oriana Schwindt, (that's what she looks like on Facebook) who always seems to find herself somewhere on the masthead. She thinks we should stop downloading mp3s and save the music industry. That pretty much ends the discussion, doesn't it? Dani Garcia, feckless idealists have stormed the keep! Shit shit shit.

Then there is Kate Bernot. She got away from the usual PLAY bitchwork (read: writing about anything involving the Jones Great Room) by writing the Freshman Guide's obligatory kinda-anti-Greek essay. It was called "Why I Did Not Rush," which sounds deceptively authoritative. Ooh, it was full of caustic remarks about the "'sisterhood' atmosphere." I really liked it. There is hope! Onwards.

The list of panelists also includes someone with testicles, which is maybe surprising. There he is! In case you couldn't tell from the photo, he wrote music criticism for PLAY in the past, just like Oriana. He also wrote for the freshman guide. It had advice, like Paint the Rock! and Go to Dillo Day! as if that were a choice. Ew, Steve Berger.

Best for last, dudes. Kasia Galazka, who looks really kind of hot in her Facebook photo, will be the last cultural doyenne of the PLAY spread. She also spent some time writing about middling bands — Alkaline Trio, and it goes on — and then did some indentured servitude for Emmet Sullivan's freshman guide as well. Apparently she is something of a hypochondriac, which, much as we might like it, will not prevent this thing from appearing once a week in the world's most entralling magazine.

MOVIN' ON UPBriefly: The Elephant Walk

Freshman Girls: If he tells you he's from Delt, and he offers to bring you back to his house to show you, he's lying!

Now that Delt's gone from campus, there are a few things to be settled. What house should freshman girls be trying to sleep with during NSW? We don't know. Leave comments and tell us (but don't say Lodge, because then Kassner will actually think you mean it).

What we do know is that the Phi Delt house is undergoing renovations (who cares, it's a frat house), and 17 of their brothers will be moving into the Delt house. Gossipdesk wouldn't put it past them to drop the Phi in an effort to find even. more. slutty. girls.

Is the move a blessing or a curse? Whatever. Somebody cue The Jeffersons.

THE SECOND COMING Briefly: Caesar cliché here

For those who care, there is a new Caesar out there. There's a lot of blue, a lot of boxes and some icons. How web 2.0.

Anyways. Hurry. It should work until this evening.

THE INAUGURAL Someone's found the cure for summer photos! Automatic detag

For some, especially Northwestern students, the urge to place every last iota of one's life online is troubling. Consider this a panacea. Ready, everyone? It's red states lose, end of summer edition!

Official caption: "sandys hair makes me look like i have caveman arms ahahhahahah."
Unofficial caption: Um, animal services?

Official caption: We ate all of it. And Kelly is on crack.
Unofficial caption: (Note: this is from the second of two 60-photo albums chronicling, in minute and really rather silly detail, a trip to San Francisco) Yes, you did. Yes, you are.

Official caption: (none)
Unofficial caption: Ah, yes. The obligatory let's-all-do-our-best-to-look-cute-in-this-terrible-lighting shot. The real story here is in the comments. The one with the leggings apparently detagged herself, writing "why do i look like a lost chipmunk in this picture?" To which the one on the left wrote, "you are so obsessed with the dumbest details in every pic that you'd untag that!!!!!?!?" And oh it goes on.

Official caption: automatic detag
Unofficial caption: Ooh that's good.

THE END NEARS Briefly: Northwestern professors, now knowledgeable about sex.

While they aren't teaching, they seem to be researching. And who to keep better tabs on Northwestern professors than small-town media? Uh, yeah. It's that time again.

Today's finding of dubious credibility: couples who kiss spontaneously are less likely to become depressed than couples who kiss only during sex. Bah. Are there not other times to kiss? Did the depression only count if both parts of the couple was depressed? And are the findings based on 69 freshmen?

Kiss or two might reduce stress, and less computer time could help marriage [TheNewsTribune]

WEEK IN REVIEWThe typical: some froyo, some freshmen, some boozy alums.

This week, in which:

• We found out the nation's relationship theory is possibly being wrecked by 69 concupiscent freshmen.
• We watched the Death Star march on.
• We augmented our alli pills with the news a Red Mango franchise will soon grace Evanston.
• We saw that our interest in alcohol will probably in no way wane after college. Twice!
• We pondered the future of Chicago clubs.
  
• We declared jihad on heathen bloggers.
  

Yeah. So maybe next week we'll get back to that business about Delt. Do try not to fry yourselves into melanoma this Labor Day weekend. We wouldn't want you to miss it.

ANOTHER INVASION OF SCARY, WINGED FAUNA Briefly: It's Bats. With rabies.

In a story that really is not getting enough attention, the Sun-Times news group is reporting that nine bats have tested positive for rabies—including three in the last week—this year in Cook County. They were found in the "suburbs." Helpful!

Rabies found in 9 bats in the suburbs [Sun-Times]

THE FUTURE OF BEER PONGBriefly: Putting that biomedical engineering degree to good use

You know what they say about the real education coming from the frat house? Bah, they don't?

Well, they should. Two 22-year-old Northwestern grads with biomedical engineering degrees are marketing anti-slip beer pong diamonds. The Washington Post says sales are brisk, and the Sun-Times says it's time for a full story, filled with innuendo and possibly with reporting by the Wall Street Journal!

Only I can't seem to find a place to buy the $9.95 mats anywhere. Perhaps the celebratory profiles were a bit premature? Go ahead, read them if you must:

NU grads go to the mat for beer pong [Sun-Times]
[WaPo offbeat blog]

OUR RESPONSIBLE MEDIAWho needs crazy pills when Bill Smith has historical analogies?

You may have heard that some powerful men want to build a 49-story tower in downtown Evanston. It would be across from Sherman Plaza, which they also built. And nothing — not shitty journalists, not cracked out aldermen, not rival developers, not fledgling Daily reporters — can stand in their way.

Wait wait wait. Could it be there's another constituency here, as yet unheard from in the whispering fray? Yes! The people!

Or so it seems when you first read EvanstonNow spinster Bill Smith's article today. The plans have "brought out a chorus of critics," he writes.

Then he veers off into journalistic la-la land, preaching about how, usually, Evanston's tallest buildings are about a quarter as high as Chicago's tallest in the same time period. What? Yeah, I know.

And it goes on! What with the Chicago Spire, a huge, beautiful, Calatrava-designed tower going up in River North, we're historic-relationshiply due for a 49-story tower!

What do you think? That, maybe next week, someone will take up how people who live in Evanston feel about this? Um, agreed. Meanwhile, the search for intelligent life in Evanston media goes on.

How tall is too tall for Evanston? [EvanstonNow]

YOUNG LOVEYou based your relationship research on...

Periodically, or, really, whenever it strikes our fancy, we may report on the tendencies of Northwestern professors. This is one of those times. In fact, it is the first!

Someone from a health service the Washington Post is now whoring itself out to has written a piece about two Northwestern professors. These people are constantly in the news! Whatever did they figure out now?

Well, it seems breaking up with people isn't so hard, or so painful, as you might think. The professors, from our beleagured psychology department, followed — yes, really — 69 Northwestern freshmen for a year. They were given questionaries every two weeks by the researchers, which asked things like this:

Every successive survey asked those still coupled up to characterize the depth of their current love and to predict their emotional state of mind two, four, eight, and 12 weeks after a theoretical split. All were also asked how soon they might enter into a new relationship following any break-up.

Put another way, the researchers bombarded the dwindling number of couples with questions about a possible future break-up every two weeks. I wonder if that impacted the results at all? Nah, probably not.

That notwithstanding, we still have health findings based on the love lives and relationship standing of Northwestern freshmen. Hmm. Well, headline, and copy, at your own peril:

Breaking Up Is Not So Hard to Do [WaPo]

THE DINOSAURBriefly: City editor remains outstanding

E-mails went out over the Daily Northwestern listservs this morning announcing EIC Abe Rakov is once again taking applications for city editor. I guess he stopped at some point?

Anyways. We are just 25 days away from the purple lady's first issue of the 2007-2008 academic year, and there remains a gaping hole in the masthead. Why is that, dear readers?

DEATHWATCHBriefly: His Majesty's blog ne'er existed

Besieged by resignations, dogged by transparent p.r. masquerading as legitimate coverage and inundated with student complaints, Medill Dean John Lavine now gets his very own deathwatch.

Once upon a time in a crabby old building called Fisk, Medill Dean John Lavine decided to complement his sea change — excuse me "blow up" — of the curriculum by blogging about his decision-making. There were even periodic posts!

Anyways. I was going to write that it had been 100, 200, 500 days since his last post, but Medill now has no records of any such Dean's blog. Come on! It had that happy-go-lucky logo, that formal prose, those obsequious descriptions of meaningless changes. Stop trying to hoodwink me, Michele Bitoun.

BIZARRE LOGICThe Medill-White House Correspondents Association connection

So the White House Correspondents Association website is hosted on Medill servers. Weird, right?

But rather than point out that Medill is moving closer to the White House while everyone else is putting like 9,127 miles between themselves and the president, I decided to actually figure out what was going on. Yeah, so what follows is an unadulterated transcript of e-mails between me and Ellen Shearer (right), the webmaster (really?) of the WHCA's Medill-hosted site.

Peter -- happy to answer questions. But first, is this for a Daily article?

Why, would that change the nature of your answers? So, I said:

I'd never say never, but for now it's for my personal gratification and possibly for my blog. That said, it could contextualize Medill coverage. Even if you guys dreamed up MC Rove, I doubt anyone would deem it worthy of an article.

Thanks again.

Onwards. About ten minutes later, out came the claws:

Peter -- Karl Rove was a speaker at the Radio-Television dinner, not the WHCA dinner.

Medill coordinates judging of the WHCA awards. We also created and have hosted the Web site, but this fall it will be redesigned and moved off the Medill server so we only will be coordinating the awards judging.Medill coordinates judging of the WHCA awards. We also created and have hosted the Web site, but
this fall it will be redesigned and moved off the Medill server so we only will be coordinating the awards.

Like, who knew those were separate events? Anyways, that answered like one of the questions I originally posed. I guess prejudices aren't always off-base.

SOROSTITUTESTri Delta, because no one else will

After watching the above video, you've pretty much gleaned all there is to know about this post. Serena Brahney, a recent NU grad/tri-delt/medill broadcast gal has combined all of her skills to prove this is she is "charismatic, capable, and [OMG!] clearly the right choice for the Smirnoff Top 10."

The folks over at Smirnoff will pick ten sluts and dudes to travel around the world as brand reps while getting drunk in such exotic locales as New York, Shanghai, Paris and Moscow (what, no Ho Chi Minh City?). If you're too lazy to watch the video (or don't want to deal with a Facebook photo montage), Brahney would make the perfect pick because she's the "resident social planner" for her social group, a trained dancer, has lived in four (!) different cities, and has been trained at the Medill School of Journalism. That last bit is especially important -- it taught her how to shoot her own video in a much too dark room (Ava would be so upset!), and put a little Smirnoff-red signer with her name at the beginning of her youtube contest entry.

Is this the kind of thing we're supposed to apply for when we're unemployed? Does this even count as a job? Can I put this on my resume?

In any case, our money is on Brahney. Not because all the other entries seem to be from Canada (in fact, Brahney is too). But because we remember her as the only girl crass enough to convince Darla Ward to send out an e-mail when she lost her designer sunglasses during a Crane Lecture.

So raise your glass to the past memories. Here's hoping Brahney will be embarrassing herself, not over the Medill listserv, but on youtube soon enough.

THE FRESHMENBriefly: Why there are no gays at Northwestern

Well, it's obvs because of the annual LGBT bonfire the school holds the second day of New Student Week. This year, though, compassionate planners have scheduled it for 9:30 p.m. to 11 p.m., giving charred lesbians just enough time to catch a last glimpse of CBS' upcoming season at Starbucks.

New Student Week schedule [Weinberg version]

EVEN BETTER THAN A $3,600 BOTTLE OF KRUGThe club wars hit the courtroom

Remember May, when everyone was slinking off from events at Enclave to go to Crescendo, which was kind of sort of maybe doing a soft opening? Right, and it was.

And it was getting quite a bit of buzz. You know, it had that supper club thing going on, and it was playing heir to Reserve (those are underage Northwestern students on Reserve's website, which unsurprisingly has nothing to do with why it got shut down in July), and it had a 4 a.m. liquor license.

And you know what? Now Crescendo is dead! And about the least likely person in the world figured out why.

Back in July, a Chicago Tribune columnist named Jon Kass reported that the owner of RiNo, a club about a block from Crescendo, was kind of pissed of about the new club. The owner has that weird type of blue-blood Chicago political pull. He got people looking into the finances of the owner of Reserve and Crescendo, Antony Demasi.

Onwards. It turned out they had no money! At this point Kass' series of events becomes a little foggy—there were some emergency loans, some political strings, some muffled threats.

It all ended when armed guards "seized" Reserve and Crescendo on July 5. I don't know if it happened at night, but let's all entertain the possibility.

Regardless, the bank that made the emergency loans is now thinking of selling the properties to RiNo's owner, which would really add insult to injury, don't you think?

Whatever. The real question here is, with two of Chicago's best 19-year-old-friendly clubs shuttered indefinitely, where will the weekly, boozy migration of Northwestern students park next year? Crobar? Le Passage? Hit us.


Feds getting hip to Chicago club scene [Chicago Tribune]

THANK YOU, ALBERT HOFMANNCrack use among city officials not limited to aldermen

This is probably of no use to anyone, but the Evanston public library reopened its children's section yesterday. So, next time you're tripping and you find yourself on Orrington and Church, you'll know a safe place. Cuddle among disembodied, arboreal orbs of fluff covered in felt capital letters, and you will feel a peace unknown to all but the most tranquil of Evanston drug users.

Yes, I had my crack this morning, too.

Library reopens with new kid's space [EvanstonNow]

YOUR EATING DISORDER, OUR HELP.Exclusively: Just one froyo faction to invade Evanston.

[Updated]

That promise of "unreported stories" you see on the left? Rarely fulfilled, I know. It's far too much work. But here's one anyway.

Red Mango, the truly Korean (aka not Korean-American) frozen yogurt upstart challenging Pinkberry, is opening an Evanston branch in either October or November. It's going to be located in Sherman Plaza. It will, barring some aldermanic intervention, stay open until 12 a.m. No word yet on whether or not it will inhabit the cursed Cereality space.

The company is evidently putting a lot of effort into this. My inquiries were answered by none other than Dan Kim, the company's president and C.E.O.! He thinks there is a "great university" called Kellogg in the area, but hey, you always knew those dudes were superior.

Pinkberry is opening Chicago branches late this year, but hasn't said where yet.

And that's all I've got on Evanston. But here's some context.

For the non-coastal among you, the frozen yogurt war began in earnest last year, when Red Mango first challenged Pinkberry's fortress of L.A. franchises with a UCLA location. Pinkberry's been beset by all sorts of problems since then. There were large rodents in one of the New York locations for a while, and then there was a whole to-do about whether or not it is actually yogurt.

A lot of people assumed if one of these brands is making faky fake yogurt, they all are. Well. Last Thursday, some yogurt association stamped Red Mango with its "live and active culture" seal of approval.

So. What do you think? Is this the pending revitalization of downtown Evanston? Will Midwestern palates reject the low-cal option? Is frozen yogurt super silly in a city where winter lasts October-April?

THIS IS WARThe Passion of the GossipDesk

Last week, while i was on something of a bender-cum-birthday vaca, the anonymous geniuses (specifically one blogger with the handle, twothirty) decided to fight our criticism of their shitty investor-backed blog, CollegeOTR, by attacking all that is holy about gossip desk.

"The blog's creator and primary poster would be best advised to wait on calling out others' 'mediocre copy' until he starts mandating sparkling prose on his own pages," the man behind the mask writes. "The writing verges dangerously away from irreverent snark into bitchy, desperate queen territory. Saddest of all, it's not even so-bad-it's-good, Center Stage-style funny."

OK, I like criticism as much as the next person. Even thoughtful criticism proving that Kassner can't write for shit. But the funny part about all this is that... wait for it... the editor of Northwestern OTR has been recruiting the two of us to write for her precious little blog -- and get $500 dollars a quarter to do so. We said "No," but here's how it went down:

Approximately two weeks ago, I get an e-mail from Lena Chen (pictured), a Harvard student who's in charge of this whole Big Brother college blogosphere: "After coming across your blog, I'd like to offer you and your co-author positions on the campus editorial team for NorthwesternOTR.com, no formal application process required," she drooled.

So yeah, Lena loves us. Whatever. We said "No," and she finally got back to me this weekend with the following e-mail:

Sorry to hear that but good luck with Gossip Desk! If you're trying to promote, we're looking into syndicating student blogs on our website as well. Let me know if that's something you're interested in.

I think we're going to pass on that offer, honeycakes, seeing as your writers have already taken it upon themselves to jab the knife in our hearts and increase our traffic at the same time (thanks twothirty!). But doesn't anyone else find it oddly curious that a blogger can be trashing our blog and telling us we can't write while his boss is trying to recruit us? What horror! What inconsistency! What shoddy office politics!

Honestly, I really don't care about all that. I'm only bringing this up because it hits even closer to home. In his post about Gossipdesk, the blogger writes, "The two gentlemen running the place might want to step away from the mutual masturbation and shape things up before job-hunting season."

The truth is, I'm never going to use this blog to get a job. And even further, I don't really need to be masturbatory, twothirty, because you're already blogging about me.

Dear readers, here's a contest: Find out who this punk blogger is (what's the fun in being anonymous, anyway?). Whoever it is creepily remembers what I wore to Fling at the Field freshman year, and obviously doesn't remember that I own sand, not chestnut, Uggs.

All guesses and crucifixions should go in the comment section. Let the witchhunt begin!

WEEK IN REVIEWSo much mediocre copy, so little time.

• We had a birthday.
• We suffered through the Daily's freshman guide. Twice.
• We found out Delt is dead.
• We discovered H.M.S. Medill is taking on water.
• We kinda read this OTR blog.
• We wrote something really long about transgender people and what, exactly?

Join us next week for the real reason Delt died, why dildos couldn't get us to join OTR and the latest on His Majesty Dean John Lavine's plan to mindrape us all.

WOAH THIS IS LONGBut it's about transgenders and Northwestern. OMG at least 12-14 inches!

There is a really weird story about transgendered people and Northwestern out there. I am going to write about it, because it is really weird and who thought you'd see those things in the same sentence? So here we go.

Way back in the spring of 2003, a Northwestern professor named J. Michael Bailey wrote a boring little book about transgendered people. It is called "The Man Who Would Be Queen," which is a little saucy for science, no? Specifically, he addressed why men decide to switch sexes. And what did he say? He said they were acting on an "erotic fascination with themselves as women."

Which was like, Whoa! for the transgender community. Transgenders generally believe that they are trapped in the wrong body, or gender misidentified at birth, or something along those lines. Check out the Wikipedia page on this, if you feel like a good laugh. It includes the word "genderqueer." Ha!

Anyways. This Whoa! reaction gradually turned into more of a Fuck You!, in a pretty big way. Some transgender advocate in L.A. took photos of Bailey's children from his website and put them on her own, with lots of nasty nasty captions. She said this was fair, because he had exploited vulnerable people. Nasty nasty nasty, indeed.

On top of all this online name-calling, people were complaining to Northwestern. They were all like, This guy fabricated his book! He deceived people! Much of the book was based on anecdotes, which is kinda shady because Baily extracted the information in psychological sessions, something he is not licensed to do in Illinois.

So Northwestern decided to investigate in late 2003. It will shock you to your core that it's not easy to tell what became of this investigation. No one really knows! Here's what the New York Times figured out:

The inquiry, which lasted almost a year, brought research to a near standstill in Dr. Bailey’s laboratory, and clouded his name among some other researchers, according to people who worked with the psychologist.

“That was the worst blow of all, that we didn’t get much support” from Northwestern, said Gerulf Rieger, a graduate student of Dr. Bailey’s at the time, and now a lecturer at Northwestern. “They were quite scared and not very professional, I thought.”

Scared? Not very professional? Well, you gotta love their uniformity on those traits.

In October 2004, Bailey stepped down as chair of the psychology department, though both he and the school say this had nothing to do with the book or the investigation. What do you think? I think they are both LYING.

But the story doesn't end there. Later on, in a time period closer to now, Alice Dreger, a Northwestern ethics scholar, decided to see what all the fuss was about. (That's her on the right, sitting on her porch. And I could have had such fun with pronouns. Resist, resist.)

She thought, Hey, are his methods ethical? She decided Bailey's book wasn't scientific, but it wasn't total bullshit, either. She thinks it's important that people be able to voice unpopular opinions in research, even, I gather, if it is not quite research.

Well, whatever. She is now under attack too, as biased for being associated with Northwestern, which is kind of silly. I mean, we make fun of Northwestern people all day, and we're not biased!

Anyways. So, you read this far, and you're like, what's the point? I often wonder the same thing.

Dr. Alice Dreger's findings [bioethics.northwestern.edu]
Criticism of Gender Theory, and a Scientist Under Siege [The New York Times]
Can Professors Say the Truth [HuffPo]

ANNALS OF RETARDATIONHere's a Nalgene. Use it! We'll give you ten cents.

Oy, the Tribune and its trend stories. And what has everyone's favorite newspaper dug up today?

Why, Northwestern University is giving its new freshmen free 21-ounce Nalgenes! And if they reuse them at dining halls, guess what? They get ten cents!

This is not a joke. Given our student body, it might even work. If you see small Asian children with indestructible purple bottles hanging off their oversize backpacks at Sargent next year, you now know why.

Oh, also, this is a trend story, so something else must be going on, right? Right. Apparently administrators are going to encourage people to corded phones in their dorm rooms instead of cordless ones. Remind me who uses dorm room land lines?

Whatever. Go environment!

Class of 2011 encouraged to adopt greener lifestyle [Chicago Tribune]

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READUs vs. them: Sex advice for the social awkward.

There is a blog out there about Northwestern and it is not this one! It is the home of "Northwestern's best bloggers." There was a contest, or something? Anyways, that's sort of like saying Pinkberry's all-natural, you know? So, from time to time, we try to discern differences between them and us.

There's a reason such subjects are verboten around here. One is our readers are not so socially awkward. (You're assholes! We know.) Secondly, if I were to post about how to get laid if you're socially awkward, it would read like this:

Masturbation is normal!

Over in the hinterlands, they've got some other suggestions. Let's abbreviate, shall we?

Guys should take classes in sesp! Girls should take guys out on dates! Join a campus activist group! (Ed.'s note: What is this, Sarah Lawrence?) Meet people from other colleges! Try Craigslist!

Ok. PSA, people. Do not look for sex on Craigslist. That's how people like Willie the Wildcat, Northwestern's finest blogger, and author of this post, are born.

Even the socially awkward can get laid [CollegeOTR]

THE END NEARSH.M.S. Medill sinking faster than expected; D.C. ed quits, and it's nasty!

Behold the false prophet. Earlier this week, Dickson rather lazily noted the existence of the adoring Chicago Magazine profile this photo accompanies.

I interrupt this adoring profile — which, don't worry, we'll poke lots of holes in later — to return to the realm of real world, where it's the facts, not the rhetoric, that counts.

Which brings us to the as-yet-unrevealed departure of Medill's D.C. Newsroom director, Ron Cohen. He's leaving, effective immediately, and he's not going quietly into that good night. From his post on the United Press International listserv:

thanks for outpointing the chicago mag piece on medill. i can say without
hesitation that it fails completely to reflect the depth of the turmoil sweeping
both the journ school and many parts of northwestern as a whole. this guy is
going to ruin the franchise of a terrific journalism program, and i am certain
that yesterday was my last day affiliated with the washington semester -- my
strengths, teaching reporting and writing, are no longer of value in the dean's
overall scheme of things.

John Lavine, you are so screwed! Hmm, is it time to start the deathwatch? I do so love deathwatches, and what with a few more of these untidy adieus and perhaps even our lovably braindead president may take note.

Anyways. Medill will be making this public in...

IT'S LIKE EURIPEDES, BUT WITH RAPEDominic Greene signs Delt's walking papers

Goodbye, Delta Tau Delta. It was fun. Whatever did you do to deserve the wrath of UHAS? (Ew, acronym watch.)

Right. Chime in, people. We know it's over for Delt via Dominic Greene's all-Greek system e-mail, but what finally did it? Roll the tape.

The record stretches way back into the wretched days of Kyle Pendleton, who tried to be like hemlock for fraternities. It was during his reign, in January 2004, that some cocky Delt pledges, part of the frat's biggest pledge class ever, decided to snap photos of their fellow pledge fucking some slag in the chapter room. Excuse the lexicon! I try to fit in sometimes.

Onwards. This poor freshman girl filed a complaint! Naturally shit got rather nasty. Pendleton stretched the investigation out, eventually getting DTD International to levy "private" sanctions on the house, but no one said what they were. It also led to a sexual assault course for Greek students, but the fratasticness was back in effect that fall with an aggressive rush.

And then not a peep for three years. So what was it? I'll tell all, if I see a few educated guesses down there in the comments first.

SUPER FUN GAMES BECAUSE WE TOTALLY LOVE YOUWe post, you caption.

Hmm. Warming filter much, Ally Tawil? Well. This is a fun new little feature. Here's how it works. We post it, you caption it.

Here, I'll go first.

Yeah, these noses aren't going anywhere.

SEX FOR ADSEnjoy this totally biased and worthless article about rush!

Every August, as eager freshmen await the chance to imbibe massive quantities of Skol and Natty Ice like their semester-school friends, The Daily Northwestern bombards them with an ad-soaked mountain of p.r. called, ominously, "The Freshman Guide." Here we will review this p.r., and try our hands at truth.

I do not know Alex Apatoff, who wrote the "Guide to Going Greek." Will someone who does please hit her?

If one were to write a Wikipedia entry on the Northwestern Greek system and give every sorority president a line-item veto on objectionable content, it would look like this article. But that's what happens when you assign someone in Greek life an article on it. Ethics, Emmet! Ethics!

Let me tell you something about Greek life at Northwestern. It is not la-tee-da, or whatever. But Alex went to New Trier, and she's in Alpha Phi, a middle-of-the-road sorority — that's her at the house on the right (do remember to take that one down for "recruitment," babydoll) — so she knows the rub. (Though she def gets points for listing "The First Church of Dina Lohan" as her religion on fb. Penguins, though? Ok.)

Whatever. What insights, if any, do we get?

Formal recruitment for Panhel chapters consists of standing in lines in cold weather and making small talk with sorority women for five days straight. On the positive side, you are guaranteed to see at least one streaker, which is as much of a Northwestern must-see as Dance Marathon.

You'll know you're grasping at straws when you're using streakers for spin. And fraternities, what are those like?

It's also of note that NU fraternities, try as they might, are not like "Animal House." They will invite you to their dance parties, and often these dance parties will have themes, DJs and Solo cups galore. It's a great way to spend New Student Week, especially if you brought some fratty pink polos to indicate to the older brothers that you are a new freshman, ready to be rushed.

Except during New Student Week aren't they not supposed to go in houses? Oops! I guess the truth does seep out from time to time.

Shame on you, Alex. Are monogrammed flip-flops and air kisses so worth the pain of writing this drivel? Yeah, hon, we do it for the sisterhood too.

Guide to going Greek [The Daily Northwestern]

CREEPY, CREEPY OLD MENDickson is legal. Run.

Hmm, so many clichés! What do you think, everyone? Will he retain his ability to magnetically reel in unsuspecting freshmen nearing vomit status at the Deuce when he returns in winter? Wait, did he ever do that? Does he have such powers? Only time, and your comments, will tell.

SEX FOR ADSOh, the freshman guide. Let's take this one awkward thrust at a time, people.

Once a year, as the sweltering heat of August fades into the crisp days of September, a group of young journalists sell their souls to Evanston retail and restaurants. They do this in an effort to support a year's worth of the triumphant, the boring, The Daily Northwestern. But before they can slave away for $200 a quarter and a couple of clips, they need some capital. Thus, today (ok, yesterday) this year's freshman guide was unloaded upon an unsuspecting public.

So, who are this year's biggest whores? Well, I'll let freshmen guide editor Emmet Sullivan's listserv e-mails tell you:

Thank you to everyone who took a story for it, especially those at the last minute. I think Philip Rossman-Reich, Emily Glazer and Laura Olson deserve a lot of credit for taking multiple big stories.

Ok, we'll get to those prostitutes later. As mentioned, we'll be taking this one painful thrust of meaninglessness at a time.

So, first up. The Titan of the freshman guide himself wrote this year's North vs. South "debate" piece. Yawn yawn yawn, but let's check it out anyway, mmm?

Basically he hands the story off to alleged experts Deena Bustillo (that's her!) and Alice Truong, who besides being Daily staffers (the ethics, Emmet, the ethics!) are really so south at heart. Which would account for the bizarre things they have to say. A sampler:

What kind of people live on your part of campus?
AT: I bet my South Campus could beat up your North Campus. You see, only the most absolutely coolest kids belong to the exclusive club of South Campus living.

Right. I guess that's a sarcastic tone? Yeah, I'm not really sure either. So, what's north campus like?

DB: North campus is filled with those who enjoy frats, 20-minute walks to class, Lisa's Café and sitting around Bobb lounges. There's always something going on at all of the above, and if there's not, then you just walk across the parking lot to SPAC-which makes you feel better about all of your questionable life choices.

SPAC? Life choices? This, friends, is what happens when journalists try their hands, etc. at the world's oldest profession. It's messy, and it doesn't make much sense. Join me tomorrow for more.

North vs. South campus: the great debate [The Daily Northwestern]

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READCollege OTR and the inevitable BYOB piece

There will come a time for the full story of how Dickson and I were enticed with a line of dildos in bespoke flavors and colors to write for CollegeOTR, the nationwide "on the record" college blog. [Ed.'s note: A gossipdesk-flavored phallus? Um, tasty?] For now, it is time to chronicle another media empire crumbling before its time.

Stop with the comparisons. Whatever passing resemblance we have to this upstart is moot. First it was making fun of freshmen facebook photos, which omg omg omg we would never do. But festooning your posts with retarded art to spice up your shitty copy? New lows, people, new lows.

So. The piece in question was penned, anonymously, by "willie el gato silvestre," which means Willie the Wildcat in Spanish. While some would write off any iota of his integrity and confidence from that alias alone, I will press on.


Which are Willie the Wildcats' favorite BYOBs? Let's guess, shall we? Could it be... yes! Cozy Noodles takes spot #1. What with such trailblazing penmanship Willie, I think I'll be reading CollegeOTR every day.

Moving on. #2 is Olive Mountain, which besides being, by all accounts, rather overpriced and mediocre, is allegedly a Northwestern professor's hangout. I wouldn't know, and I wouldn't want to drink around them.

Then things really fall off the precipice of retardation. In a struggle to fill out even this rather brief post, our Wildcat includes at #5 Green Tea. A gobbet:

"This is a sushi restaurant I haven't gotten to check out yet but I'm putting it on the list since I've been told they have the best sushi in Chicago."

And you thought this was about BYOBs! Silly reader, sushi is alcoholic. Wait, what?

5 Hip Places to BYOB [CollegeOTR]

Mandatory Reading

Lavine: Jesus 2.0?

Once you're done reading (and I'm done celebrating my birthday), I'll post some commentary. Call it laziness.. but I'm just going to call it sometime to mull over the fact that I will not, in fact, be saved by the messiah.

FREE CRACKHis Lordeth Jean-Baptiste feeding the monkey again

There is a debate amongst the wisemen of Evanston, and it is about crack. They are selling it over in the 7th ward, which is sort of like far away. I am totally going this September.

And I'd better go soon, because the City Council was like, Enough! Not really because of the crack, but because they've sunk a lot of money into a housing project there. This housing project has had a bit of a problem. All of the residents have fled, because there was a shooting there earlier this year. Yeah, I didn't hear about it either. One more thing for Dickson to blame on the media's relentless pursuit of Lindsay Lohan stories, I gather. Fuck you, Bill Smith.

Onwards. The city spent $44k, which is all it gets from the Feds every year, to redo the property. Now — and this is kind of a literary device, so hold on — the dealers hide the drugs underneath the newly renovated siding. Oooh, urban parable! Sad, but just the way I like my inner city decay: bite-size, and analogous.

Then something predictable happened. Lordeth Jean-Baptiste, who apparently think the crack dealers vote, threatened not to appropriate more money to re-renovate the site.

"I'm going to support the request, Ald. Jean-Baptiste said, "but I want to make sure that Community Development yells at people some times. If we want to make some lasting changes, we don't want to keep throwing money at problems."

Hmm, what are we throwing money at without getting lasting change? The police department, perhaps? Like, maybe, letting the delinquent youths of Evanston drink devil juice and smoke weed?

City vows drug market crackdown [EvanstonNow]

CH-CH-CH-CHANGESThesaurus: give me a new word for LEARNING

I'll be honest (integrity is so hot right now); I didn't read the Medill Honor Pledge either. Well I have now, but I read Kassner's post first.

I'll be honest again; Shouldn't media organizations, and companies, and marketing agencies or whatever, be responsible for their own employees? Or is that really the job of an Alma Mater? I'm not counting on plagiarizing or embarrassing Medill, but it seems like $40,000 should buy a great education, lifelong learning and fabulous facilities. It has -- but now it comes with a metaphorical jail-cell not even Lindsay could rehab her way out of. Is paranoia the new pedagogy?

Also, while we're talking about name changes:

OLD: Medill School of Journalism
NEW: Medill School of Journalism and Integrated Marketing Communications

OLD: Honor Pledge
NEW: Integrity Code

OLD: Teaching Media Program
NEW: Journalism Residency

What's next? comment away.

I'm off to go write the sequel to A Million Little Pieces.

YOU ARE SO FUCKEDMedill consults thesaurus, knows what you did at Time for Kids this summer

It's a sad consequence of our little cottage industry's ongoing transition that not even I bothered to read "john"'s e-mail about the new Medill integrity code. When you get to an explanatory sentence about Jayson Blair, totally unnecessary dependent clause here, what do you do? You stop reading. And you should.

Moving on. The new Integrity Code replaces what I believe was an Honor Pledge, which proves what Michele Bitoun lacks in cerebral matter she makes up for with thesaurus skills.

Surprise, though! There are substantive changes here. I am actually not joking. Now, whatever you do on your time away from Medill, be it p.r. or journalism (the days of those as separate words and not as a market-tested blanket phrase appear to be some time off as yet) will be subject to the code.

Well. This is all because some dumb bitch whose name no one remembers plaigarized a story in the Daily last Fall. This was not her fault! She wrote Devo.

O.K., anyway, everyone was having a Paula Abdul-on-crack reaction to this in Fisk, especially the freshmen. It was all like, Oooh, is she gonna get kicked out?

Now we have our answer! No word yet on whether it's retroactive, but if anyone remembers this girl's name, I will sooooo call her for a quote.

The other interesting thing here is that it applies to marketing. That's going to create a lot of rough situations, don't you think? Like, all those people who work at Mattel, what are they supposed to do when it turns out they totally lied about the safety of the products they market?! The ethical quandaries!!!

FROM A TO XXXSex, Drugs... no Rock'n'Roll

A Sinderbrand, or Alexandra, or whatever, was Northwestern famous for a certain sorority overshare; a documentary where she spilled the secrets of Tri-Delta's rush process. It was delightful and deranged all at once (and can definitely be found on the internets). She was also a sex columnist over at nucomment.com, but nothing can really compare to telling hundreds of freshmen girls a week before rush that they're not attractive, wealthy, interesting or, um, attractive enough to join the ranks of NU's elite. The truth hurts, don't it?

Well, she's at it again. This time, divulging the dirty (and delightful and deranged) truth about losing her v-card. I could go on and on about this (what will her parents think? what will "Shane" think?), but really, let's just cut to the excerpts for all of you reeling from the weekend and too horny to be at your precious internships:

Here, we learn the extracurriculars that got A into NU:

We found ourselves up against the walls in empty classrooms, on floors, in the grass, rolling around with our hands down each other’s pants. But Shane seemed to like me for reasons outside of my ability to give a decent hand-job. Shane read my articles in the school paper. Shane nodded and smiled at me as he headed toward the locker room at halftime. Shane came to my a cappella shows and set off the standing ovations

Here, we learn about the prep-school importance of fitness and safe sex:

When he pulled off his shirt, I realized we’d never seen each other naked. He was length and leanness peppered with ripped limbs and an eight-pack. Only a thin hemp necklace, left over from the summer, broke the line of his buttery torso. I’m pretty sure I drooled. We were grinding against each other, me in a thong, him in boxer-briefs, when he pulled away and looked at me. The look was the question. “Do you have a condom?” was all I could muster. He said yes and smiled, but it wasn’t a boyish, psyched smirk of anticipation. His voice was shaky when he asked me if I was sure.

Here, a gratuitously hot excerpt:

The sex that followed was simultaneously the most painful and the most romantic experience I’ve ever had. Shane was huge and hard, but his gentleness suggested that he was constantly aware of what I was feeling. He took my virginity in slow, soft thrusts, kissing me in between his low moans. My complete awe and adoration for him shut down my pain-receptors. He didn’t roll off of me after he came. He held me and smiled. I think I knew that night that I’d never fully get over him.

That climax, above, is the climax of her article. After that (spoiler alert!), Shane cheats, A goes on about the double-edged sword of having the perfect first time and manages to turn her lit-porn into a tirade on cheating that makes us at GossipDesk feel guilty.

Still an incredible read though. Medill does teach people to write, after all

ANNALS OF RETARDATIONIn brief: There are 24 homeless people in Chicago

True, this report comes from that far-away city reachable only by cripplingly torrid elevated-train service. But nonetheless I'm compelled to share today's news: there are just 24 homeless people walking the streets of Chicago.

I'm pretty sure there are that many outside the CVS on Davis, but I don't work for CBS so what do I know?

Regardless, links. Try not to get hung up on the screamers between the headline and the article. I know it's hard when there are four of them, and they are all about celebrities. Ah, television.

Only 24 Homeless People Downtown [CBS2Chicago]

THE DEATH STAR COMETHAnother helpless planet property "acquired"

[Updated 1:15 CST, 8/9/07]

Ok, Bill Smith. Here's a little to-do list while The Daily's on hiatus and you're the only sober person covering Evanston development.

1. Enough with the crack.
2. Get out of bed with Mr. Vader and this other dude with the glasses.
3. When presented with an extremely obvious question, go ahead. Ask it.

I am, of course, referring to the ongoing gutting of downtown Evanston. What happened today? Developers of the proposed 49-story Death Star (pictured above) acquired the landmark Hahn building, which is south of the property they want to build on.

Wait, you think, because you have the neural activity of a conscious human being: Didn't they say they were only going to use that one plot? Why would they need to buy the other building?

Only you didn't think that, because you are retarded and your name is Bill Smith and, DAMN IT, you were drunk while reporting again!

And who better to bring sense to this fiasco than everyone's favorite whisky-sodden journalist, Bob Seidenberg of the Evanston Review. So why buy the second building? Big reveal, everyone, big reveal.

To prevent anyone else from proposing a development on the block!

Which brings up another really easy question: Wait, you think, didn't someone already propose another development for that part of the block? Yes! Wait, didn't they drop their bid after finding out the people are opposed to Death Stars? Yes!

What aren't you telling us, Mr. Vader and dude with the glasses?

The facts, just to prove my own neural activity:

Developers say they will not touch landmark Hahn building. [Evanston Site Plan and Appearance Review Committee, page 4]
Tower developer acquires Hahn building [EvanstonNow]
Developers neutralize second tower possibility [Evanston Review]

BECAUSE DOWNTOWN IS PROZACIn brief: The Purple Line "Express" is saved! Sort of.

Rejoice, readers! The Chicago Transit Authority, last refuge of incompetent Daley hacks, has decided not to cancel the Purple Line Express. Instead, whether or not to run the Express will be a "daily decision" depending on the performance of the Red Line. That's right — when the Red Line is slow, that's when you'll have to take it.

Jesus.

All this nuance, of course, is lost on Bill Smith, wayward soul of wayward souls.

[EvanstonNow]
[Chicago Tribune]

THE VILLAGE WISDOMAnd the Lordeths said: Let the sweet smell of marijuana waft unhindered

Um, how to be funny about this? Evanston aldermen have been debating how to make sure residents have enough neural activity to distinguish between official city websites and those belonging to individual aldermen. Somewhere in there they also decided not to implement a plan to stop "gang loitering."

Well, the residents of the 8th ward, which is probably somewhere no Northwestern student has ever seen, are not happy.

Kristin Doll of 140 Custer St. said she is very sensitive to the issue of criminalizing innocent kids who don't have anywhere to go, but that residents "are very intimidated."

The groups of young people, she said, "smoke pot; have alcohol in their hands."

"I've been harassed for walking by, been called names I won't repeat," she said, "There needs to be something the police can do. So often we call the police, the kids scatter, the police leave and the kids come back."

Oh NO SHE DIDN'T! Whoa! Marijuana, you say? And (ok, presumably) Skol! What did our esteemed Aldermen have to say to that?

Ald. Jean-Baptiste said the police department "already has laws it can enforce, such as disorderly conduct. If the young people have done these things, they ought to be arrested."

He said the ordinance would lead to "fascistic treatment" of the young people. "It would create a society were every corner has a camera and we're still not able to address the issues."

You know what, he's right. Only Nazis would rid the street corners of kids doing illegal drugs and drinking unfiltered devil water. And, dude? No one's talking about cameras. Maybe at the next meeting the wisemen can piss-test his Lordeth Jean-Baptiste for illegal substances.
[EvanstonNow]

SELL OUTThe Good Ol' Days

This half of gossip desk remembers this moment clearly: He was sitting at home, summer after freshman year, when he received a list of peer advisees that he would shepard into the upcoming years of Medill, initiating them to all the wonder and glory and, yes, fear that was impending. He fielded IM convesations, banal packing requests and even the rogue question about hooking up with your writing professor to get ahead; in the end, he was left satisfied.

Word has it that this season is once again upon us. And loyal readers of gossipdesk (all 32 of you and counting), we need your help. Send any hilarious questions, banter, or peer-advisor influenced queries that your youngins send your way to thegossipdesk@gmail.com. I'll post the best questions and respond to them in a less-than-Medill way. C'mon, it'll be fun (and anonymous). And like all those other "real" blogs out there, it might even turn into a regular feature.

Plus, Kassner could use some advice about snagging the ladies. Me? I want a trip down memory lane. At this point, the only thing I have to look forward to is my roommate cleaning his discarded pubic hair off the toilet bowl.

ANNALS OF RETARDATIONBizarre logic: Bridge collapse < Kevin Garnett?

Your honeymoon from NorthbyNorthwestern is over.

With a dispatch from the front lines of the Minneapolis bridge collapse, Josh Weinstock writes to inform us that other things are dealing "great blows to the North Star State." Heavens no!

What, pray tell, could so worsen an already terrible week for Minnesotans? Why, Kevin Garnett was traded to the Boston Celtics! And the Twins. "To add insult to injury," (nice cliche choice, Josh!) the beloved Twins are "mired in chaos and discontent." Were that baseball was always such a Euripedes play, and I might actually attend from time to time.

Remember headlines like, "Yeah, 9/11 sucked, but how about them Yankees!"? Yeah, that's what I thought.
[NorthbyNorthwestern]

JOHN LAVINE, TAKE THAT OFFDispatch from California: An audience with His Majesty

So yesterday I had this e-repartee with a Los Angeles-based Medill alum, and it was kind of like, Yeah, Medill. What the hell is going on?

Good question! And we had the opportunity for great answers, as the Dean of the Medill School for Journalism was stopping in Los Angeles to meet with parents, alumni and what have you. Journalism people. Onwards.

A few hours after I sent her a blistering prep sheet, I received the following report back.

"I was not impressed by him.
He was wearing a necklace. Does he always? And a long-sleeved white linen shirt buttoned to the neck with long billowing sleeves buttoned at the cuff, but the tail out---a Midwesterner's notice of tropical attire who believes that Los Angeles is the tropics.
Is he gay?
He had that vibe.
He seemed very arrogant."

Hmm, is the dean gay? He once complemented me on a shirt. Perhaps this is a question for Dickson. Dude has the gaydar of Anne Hathaway.

Anyway. What do we think about the dean these days? I promise not to solicit your comments only to ignore, obfuscate and ridicule them! Now go.