NEW STUDENT WEEK GOES NUCLEAR Mary Desler slays the four-headed frat dragon

No one really thought the Greek system would escape unscathed from new student week. Guess what? You were right!

Brace yourselves for article-style Kassner.

So. Mary Desler called an emergency meeting of the heads of IFC frats and Panhel sororities Thursday. At dusk, she shuffled into the gilded halls of Scott Hall, and sat. She flipped through a small stack of 80-weight printer paper, fingering flyers, police reports and emergency room records.

Frats du jour Pike, DU, SAE and Beta — would-be Delt replacers all — were implicated in a panoply of banal schemes to intoxicate freshmen and otherwise embarrass themselves. Over the last 72 hours, three freshmen girls have been hospitalized with alcohol-related conditions, Desler read from hospital records. They came from separate parties; one a victim of DU, the others of Beta and Pike. Then she got to SAE: flyers peppering campus about being "true gentlemen" had directions to an off-campus party on the flip side.

As a result, her highness is referring all four frats, two of which (DU and Pike) are on social probation, to UHAS, the evil acronym that did in Delt. (More on that tomorrow.) She is seeking their suspension. See what happens when you try to replace the DTD?

Oooh, also. I almost forgot. There are possibly police records of a white van brimming with bubbly sorority girls escorting freshmen boys to off-campus parties. Hmm, sound ridiculous? Ahhh I am so scared of you, Mary Desler.

THE FRESHMEN"Got Beer?...I'll Rush!"? Seriously, what is up with these freshmen?

What is this "Beer"? Who is this Trevor Barton, self-appointed master of "Keg Duty"? Does this business about the incoming class being, like, way smarter than the rest of us not apply to the rules of capitalization? More importantly, is Mary Desler aware that 57 underage students are about to gate-crash her serene, alcohol-free campus?

So many questions, so few answers.

Make what you will of the group's wall:

1. "Oh also, people from evanston will have some connections to get alcohol... so everyone search for the natives, lol" —Keg Duty master Trevor Barton
2. "there's always the ghetto -- its pretty easy to get alcohol without an id there" —Brenna McLean (Ed.'s note: Seriously? McLean?)
   

Yes, the ghetto is a great place to buy alcohol, but really, what are these "connections to alcohol" the people of Evanston have? Is this like, prohibition? You know what? I know what to do. "Search for the natives, lol."

Jesus.