CHICAGO GETTING EVEN LESS FUNThe war on Sparks. And Bud Extra? Yeah, whatever.

Ever read Chicagoist? It is so bad! First-person plural? Gah! Nonetheless, sometimes they write about something important, as they did on August 27, 2007.

It turns out that Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan and 28 of her comrades are going after Sparks and Bud Extra (omg who cares?) for being marketed to children. If you've never heard of these things, it is a shame. Do not drink the orange ones depicted at right! They will turn your orifices ochre.

Moving on. Chicagoist says this is hooey. They haven't seen any of this marketing to children or underage adults. (See, "they." I am being suckered in.)

Um, whatever. The point is the one kinda Northwestern bar that serves it is Hamilton's, and it will lose so much of its lucre should Lisa Madigan and her comrades succeed.

Debate "Sparks" Over Buzz Worthy Beer [Chicagoist]

WEEK IN REVIEWThe typical: some froyo, some freshmen, some boozy alums.

This week, in which:

• We found out the nation's relationship theory is possibly being wrecked by 69 concupiscent freshmen.
• We watched the Death Star march on.
• We augmented our alli pills with the news a Red Mango franchise will soon grace Evanston.
• We saw that our interest in alcohol will probably in no way wane after college. Twice!
• We pondered the future of Chicago clubs.
  
• We declared jihad on heathen bloggers.
  

Yeah. So maybe next week we'll get back to that business about Delt. Do try not to fry yourselves into melanoma this Labor Day weekend. We wouldn't want you to miss it.

THE FUTURE OF BEER PONGBriefly: Putting that biomedical engineering degree to good use

You know what they say about the real education coming from the frat house? Bah, they don't?

Well, they should. Two 22-year-old Northwestern grads with biomedical engineering degrees are marketing anti-slip beer pong diamonds. The Washington Post says sales are brisk, and the Sun-Times says it's time for a full story, filled with innuendo and possibly with reporting by the Wall Street Journal!

Only I can't seem to find a place to buy the $9.95 mats anywhere. Perhaps the celebratory profiles were a bit premature? Go ahead, read them if you must:

NU grads go to the mat for beer pong [Sun-Times]
[WaPo offbeat blog]

EVEN BETTER THAN A $3,600 BOTTLE OF KRUGThe club wars hit the courtroom

Remember May, when everyone was slinking off from events at Enclave to go to Crescendo, which was kind of sort of maybe doing a soft opening? Right, and it was.

And it was getting quite a bit of buzz. You know, it had that supper club thing going on, and it was playing heir to Reserve (those are underage Northwestern students on Reserve's website, which unsurprisingly has nothing to do with why it got shut down in July), and it had a 4 a.m. liquor license.

And you know what? Now Crescendo is dead! And about the least likely person in the world figured out why.

Back in July, a Chicago Tribune columnist named Jon Kass reported that the owner of RiNo, a club about a block from Crescendo, was kind of pissed of about the new club. The owner has that weird type of blue-blood Chicago political pull. He got people looking into the finances of the owner of Reserve and Crescendo, Antony Demasi.

Onwards. It turned out they had no money! At this point Kass' series of events becomes a little foggy—there were some emergency loans, some political strings, some muffled threats.

It all ended when armed guards "seized" Reserve and Crescendo on July 5. I don't know if it happened at night, but let's all entertain the possibility.

Regardless, the bank that made the emergency loans is now thinking of selling the properties to RiNo's owner, which would really add insult to injury, don't you think?

Whatever. The real question here is, with two of Chicago's best 19-year-old-friendly clubs shuttered indefinitely, where will the weekly, boozy migration of Northwestern students park next year? Crobar? Le Passage? Hit us.


Feds getting hip to Chicago club scene [Chicago Tribune]

SEX FOR ADSEnjoy this totally biased and worthless article about rush!

Every August, as eager freshmen await the chance to imbibe massive quantities of Skol and Natty Ice like their semester-school friends, The Daily Northwestern bombards them with an ad-soaked mountain of p.r. called, ominously, "The Freshman Guide." Here we will review this p.r., and try our hands at truth.

I do not know Alex Apatoff, who wrote the "Guide to Going Greek." Will someone who does please hit her?

If one were to write a Wikipedia entry on the Northwestern Greek system and give every sorority president a line-item veto on objectionable content, it would look like this article. But that's what happens when you assign someone in Greek life an article on it. Ethics, Emmet! Ethics!

Let me tell you something about Greek life at Northwestern. It is not la-tee-da, or whatever. But Alex went to New Trier, and she's in Alpha Phi, a middle-of-the-road sorority — that's her at the house on the right (do remember to take that one down for "recruitment," babydoll) — so she knows the rub. (Though she def gets points for listing "The First Church of Dina Lohan" as her religion on fb. Penguins, though? Ok.)

Whatever. What insights, if any, do we get?

Formal recruitment for Panhel chapters consists of standing in lines in cold weather and making small talk with sorority women for five days straight. On the positive side, you are guaranteed to see at least one streaker, which is as much of a Northwestern must-see as Dance Marathon.

You'll know you're grasping at straws when you're using streakers for spin. And fraternities, what are those like?

It's also of note that NU fraternities, try as they might, are not like "Animal House." They will invite you to their dance parties, and often these dance parties will have themes, DJs and Solo cups galore. It's a great way to spend New Student Week, especially if you brought some fratty pink polos to indicate to the older brothers that you are a new freshman, ready to be rushed.

Except during New Student Week aren't they not supposed to go in houses? Oops! I guess the truth does seep out from time to time.

Shame on you, Alex. Are monogrammed flip-flops and air kisses so worth the pain of writing this drivel? Yeah, hon, we do it for the sisterhood too.

Guide to going Greek [The Daily Northwestern]

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READCollege OTR and the inevitable BYOB piece

There will come a time for the full story of how Dickson and I were enticed with a line of dildos in bespoke flavors and colors to write for CollegeOTR, the nationwide "on the record" college blog. [Ed.'s note: A gossipdesk-flavored phallus? Um, tasty?] For now, it is time to chronicle another media empire crumbling before its time.

Stop with the comparisons. Whatever passing resemblance we have to this upstart is moot. First it was making fun of freshmen facebook photos, which omg omg omg we would never do. But festooning your posts with retarded art to spice up your shitty copy? New lows, people, new lows.

So. The piece in question was penned, anonymously, by "willie el gato silvestre," which means Willie the Wildcat in Spanish. While some would write off any iota of his integrity and confidence from that alias alone, I will press on.


Which are Willie the Wildcats' favorite BYOBs? Let's guess, shall we? Could it be... yes! Cozy Noodles takes spot #1. What with such trailblazing penmanship Willie, I think I'll be reading CollegeOTR every day.

Moving on. #2 is Olive Mountain, which besides being, by all accounts, rather overpriced and mediocre, is allegedly a Northwestern professor's hangout. I wouldn't know, and I wouldn't want to drink around them.

Then things really fall off the precipice of retardation. In a struggle to fill out even this rather brief post, our Wildcat includes at #5 Green Tea. A gobbet:

"This is a sushi restaurant I haven't gotten to check out yet but I'm putting it on the list since I've been told they have the best sushi in Chicago."

And you thought this was about BYOBs! Silly reader, sushi is alcoholic. Wait, what?

5 Hip Places to BYOB [CollegeOTR]

THE DEATH STAR COMETHAnother helpless planet property "acquired"

[Updated 1:15 CST, 8/9/07]

Ok, Bill Smith. Here's a little to-do list while The Daily's on hiatus and you're the only sober person covering Evanston development.

1. Enough with the crack.
2. Get out of bed with Mr. Vader and this other dude with the glasses.
3. When presented with an extremely obvious question, go ahead. Ask it.

I am, of course, referring to the ongoing gutting of downtown Evanston. What happened today? Developers of the proposed 49-story Death Star (pictured above) acquired the landmark Hahn building, which is south of the property they want to build on.

Wait, you think, because you have the neural activity of a conscious human being: Didn't they say they were only going to use that one plot? Why would they need to buy the other building?

Only you didn't think that, because you are retarded and your name is Bill Smith and, DAMN IT, you were drunk while reporting again!

And who better to bring sense to this fiasco than everyone's favorite whisky-sodden journalist, Bob Seidenberg of the Evanston Review. So why buy the second building? Big reveal, everyone, big reveal.

To prevent anyone else from proposing a development on the block!

Which brings up another really easy question: Wait, you think, didn't someone already propose another development for that part of the block? Yes! Wait, didn't they drop their bid after finding out the people are opposed to Death Stars? Yes!

What aren't you telling us, Mr. Vader and dude with the glasses?

The facts, just to prove my own neural activity:

Developers say they will not touch landmark Hahn building. [Evanston Site Plan and Appearance Review Committee, page 4]
Tower developer acquires Hahn building [EvanstonNow]
Developers neutralize second tower possibility [Evanston Review]

THE VILLAGE WISDOMAnd the Lordeths said: Let the sweet smell of marijuana waft unhindered

Um, how to be funny about this? Evanston aldermen have been debating how to make sure residents have enough neural activity to distinguish between official city websites and those belonging to individual aldermen. Somewhere in there they also decided not to implement a plan to stop "gang loitering."

Well, the residents of the 8th ward, which is probably somewhere no Northwestern student has ever seen, are not happy.

Kristin Doll of 140 Custer St. said she is very sensitive to the issue of criminalizing innocent kids who don't have anywhere to go, but that residents "are very intimidated."

The groups of young people, she said, "smoke pot; have alcohol in their hands."

"I've been harassed for walking by, been called names I won't repeat," she said, "There needs to be something the police can do. So often we call the police, the kids scatter, the police leave and the kids come back."

Oh NO SHE DIDN'T! Whoa! Marijuana, you say? And (ok, presumably) Skol! What did our esteemed Aldermen have to say to that?

Ald. Jean-Baptiste said the police department "already has laws it can enforce, such as disorderly conduct. If the young people have done these things, they ought to be arrested."

He said the ordinance would lead to "fascistic treatment" of the young people. "It would create a society were every corner has a camera and we're still not able to address the issues."

You know what, he's right. Only Nazis would rid the street corners of kids doing illegal drugs and drinking unfiltered devil water. And, dude? No one's talking about cameras. Maybe at the next meeting the wisemen can piss-test his Lordeth Jean-Baptiste for illegal substances.
[EvanstonNow]

THE LOCALSThe Norshore booze-supplying-parents-crackdown continues

Ok, so the parents in Northfield Township who gave their kid and his friends alcohol were charged with misdemeanors today. But the parents in Glencoe who gave their kid and his friends alcohol were convicted of three charges and face a year in jail.

Yeah, so, if you're going to ply your kid and his friends with alcohol? Maintain a strict one-beer-bong-to-the-face/hour limit and, you know, make sure no one hits a tree and dies on her way home in your driveway. Easy!
[Glenview Announcements]

THE FRESHMEN"Got Beer?...I'll Rush!"? Seriously, what is up with these freshmen?

What is this "Beer"? Who is this Trevor Barton, self-appointed master of "Keg Duty"? Does this business about the incoming class being, like, way smarter than the rest of us not apply to the rules of capitalization? More importantly, is Mary Desler aware that 57 underage students are about to gate-crash her serene, alcohol-free campus?

So many questions, so few answers.

Make what you will of the group's wall:

1. "Oh also, people from evanston will have some connections to get alcohol... so everyone search for the natives, lol" —Keg Duty master Trevor Barton
2. "there's always the ghetto -- its pretty easy to get alcohol without an id there" —Brenna McLean (Ed.'s note: Seriously? McLean?)
   

Yes, the ghetto is a great place to buy alcohol, but really, what are these "connections to alcohol" the people of Evanston have? Is this like, prohibition? You know what? I know what to do. "Search for the natives, lol."

Jesus.

THE LOCALSDrunk teens? Yeah, not going anywhere.

This week in stunning revelations produced by courageous suburban reporting: Yes, the parents who let their teenage son throw a really rather boozy party in their basement were convicted of, like, several things. But, and this is quite a but!, teenage drinking will persist, students say.

First, a little perspective. The party, well attended by students of America's High School^®, resulted in two deaths. The parents, Jeffrey and Sara Hutsell, were from Deerfield; the article does not say where their son goes (went?) to high school.

And, our reporter? J.T. Morand. Well, initials aren't what they used to be. While usually relegated to the "Here comes Harry Potter" beat (sadly, a real headline), Morand has some experience tracing liquor-and-coke-laden stomachs back to the whereabouts of their intoxication. In fact, Morand reveals, the two cases are related!

Suzanne Savin, mother of Jessica Savin, the Glencoe teen who died when she fell through a skylight atop a building in Chicago in April, is praying for the Deerfield couple.

Jessica Savin was the former girlfriend of Jesse Trace, the twin brother of Ross Trace, 18, who died in the car crash that also killed Daniel Bell, 18, outside the Hutsell home the night of the party last October. They had been at the party and were returning to it. Three other teens in the car sustained injuries.

With all this alcohol-related death, you might think New Trier students would be reconsidering their weekend bacchanalia. Not really, Morand discovers when asking the young sun-worshippers at Gillson Beach in Wilmette:

"Kids don't care enough to stop," said Lynea Martin, 15.

"Kids will still do what it takes to get drinks," added Erin Guza, 16.

And Jesse Trace, who has now lost his twin brother and his ex-girlfriend to a combination of alcohol, a skylight and drunk drivers? Perhaps we will find out when the reporting takes place somewhere other than the lakeshore. [GlencoeNews]