KILLING THEM SOFTLY Execution four ways.

To their credit, Northwestern administrators do cook up some creative ways to shed us of our bothersome Greek system. When it's not outright removal from campus (seriously, we're getting to it. ok, maybe), it's something like last Friday's e-mail from Bill Banis and the UPD chief about "safety and security."

So. Remember those dorm side door restrictions everyone bitched about last year? Yeah, and how all the freshmen were like, Oh, we'll be living in frat houses so who cares? Well, dare to dream, kids. I quoteth Mr. Banis himself:

Effective immediately, locking all fraternity and sorority secondary doors (side doors, fire escapes) and the main entrance to each house 24 hours a day. Of course, locking these doors should not prohibit students from getting out these doors in an emergency. In the future, these doors will be alarmed, in other words, an alarm will sound if the door is opened. Propping doors open is strictly prohibited.

Hmm. So they'll be locked, but not alarmed. For the time being, at least. Could be worse, right? Oh, it goes on.

Turns out the University wants Bill Banis to bounce at all those hopping SAE parties you were too cool to go to:

Installing closed-circuit television cameras at main entrances of all of fraternity and sorority houses. The cameras should help deter unauthorized entry and hopefully also reduce incidents of students permitting others to follow them into the houses after the student has unlocked the door. The planning for the design and installation of the cameras system has begun and it is expected that cameras will begin to be installed this summer and will be completed during Fall quarter.

And that's happening when? Oh, you didn't read that last sentence? We do edit around here from time to time.

Finally, there are some no-nonsense moves that should really dampen Greek life, at least up north. Everyone's getting fobs, those little electronic keychains that make that satisfying noise. More cops are going to be around. And alcohol patrols will be conducted by police officers, not IFC and/or Panhel staff.

So. Welcome back to Evanston. Deathwatch, anyone? Your super fun predictions of when Northwestern's Greek life will be totally irrelevant in the comments, please.

THE FRESHMENBriefly: Why there are no gays at Northwestern

Well, it's obvs because of the annual LGBT bonfire the school holds the second day of New Student Week. This year, though, compassionate planners have scheduled it for 9:30 p.m. to 11 p.m., giving charred lesbians just enough time to catch a last glimpse of CBS' upcoming season at Starbucks.

New Student Week schedule [Weinberg version]

ANNALS OF RETARDATIONHere's a Nalgene. Use it! We'll give you ten cents.

Oy, the Tribune and its trend stories. And what has everyone's favorite newspaper dug up today?

Why, Northwestern University is giving its new freshmen free 21-ounce Nalgenes! And if they reuse them at dining halls, guess what? They get ten cents!

This is not a joke. Given our student body, it might even work. If you see small Asian children with indestructible purple bottles hanging off their oversize backpacks at Sargent next year, you now know why.

Oh, also, this is a trend story, so something else must be going on, right? Right. Apparently administrators are going to encourage people to corded phones in their dorm rooms instead of cordless ones. Remind me who uses dorm room land lines?

Whatever. Go environment!

Class of 2011 encouraged to adopt greener lifestyle [Chicago Tribune]

SEX FOR ADSEnjoy this totally biased and worthless article about rush!

Every August, as eager freshmen await the chance to imbibe massive quantities of Skol and Natty Ice like their semester-school friends, The Daily Northwestern bombards them with an ad-soaked mountain of p.r. called, ominously, "The Freshman Guide." Here we will review this p.r., and try our hands at truth.

I do not know Alex Apatoff, who wrote the "Guide to Going Greek." Will someone who does please hit her?

If one were to write a Wikipedia entry on the Northwestern Greek system and give every sorority president a line-item veto on objectionable content, it would look like this article. But that's what happens when you assign someone in Greek life an article on it. Ethics, Emmet! Ethics!

Let me tell you something about Greek life at Northwestern. It is not la-tee-da, or whatever. But Alex went to New Trier, and she's in Alpha Phi, a middle-of-the-road sorority — that's her at the house on the right (do remember to take that one down for "recruitment," babydoll) — so she knows the rub. (Though she def gets points for listing "The First Church of Dina Lohan" as her religion on fb. Penguins, though? Ok.)

Whatever. What insights, if any, do we get?

Formal recruitment for Panhel chapters consists of standing in lines in cold weather and making small talk with sorority women for five days straight. On the positive side, you are guaranteed to see at least one streaker, which is as much of a Northwestern must-see as Dance Marathon.

You'll know you're grasping at straws when you're using streakers for spin. And fraternities, what are those like?

It's also of note that NU fraternities, try as they might, are not like "Animal House." They will invite you to their dance parties, and often these dance parties will have themes, DJs and Solo cups galore. It's a great way to spend New Student Week, especially if you brought some fratty pink polos to indicate to the older brothers that you are a new freshman, ready to be rushed.

Except during New Student Week aren't they not supposed to go in houses? Oops! I guess the truth does seep out from time to time.

Shame on you, Alex. Are monogrammed flip-flops and air kisses so worth the pain of writing this drivel? Yeah, hon, we do it for the sisterhood too.

Guide to going Greek [The Daily Northwestern]

THE FRESHMEN"Got Beer?...I'll Rush!"? Seriously, what is up with these freshmen?

What is this "Beer"? Who is this Trevor Barton, self-appointed master of "Keg Duty"? Does this business about the incoming class being, like, way smarter than the rest of us not apply to the rules of capitalization? More importantly, is Mary Desler aware that 57 underage students are about to gate-crash her serene, alcohol-free campus?

So many questions, so few answers.

Make what you will of the group's wall:

1. "Oh also, people from evanston will have some connections to get alcohol... so everyone search for the natives, lol" —Keg Duty master Trevor Barton
2. "there's always the ghetto -- its pretty easy to get alcohol without an id there" —Brenna McLean (Ed.'s note: Seriously? McLean?)
   

Yes, the ghetto is a great place to buy alcohol, but really, what are these "connections to alcohol" the people of Evanston have? Is this like, prohibition? You know what? I know what to do. "Search for the natives, lol."

Jesus.