POMP AND BOMBAST Letter to the Oriana: This bitch also fights outdoors.

You may recall that some time ago I delved into the murky question of who the Daily has appointed to officiate culture this quarter. I did some shoddy reporting! It turns out that Oriana Schwindt, one of these culture mongers, does not write about music all the fucking time. (There was, however, this helpless paean of a lede: "Stop downloading and save the music industry." Which supports her decision to stay away from such coverage, no?)

Onwards. In addition to pointing out she does not write about music all the fucking time, Oriana points out that I do not have permission to republish her facebook photo. Indeed, I did not.

So, Oriana. Anytime you want, we can take this squabble to the great outdoors and you can empty my bank account. All $22.13. It's yours. I did, after all, out you.

DAILY HERESYIn brief: Media, Jews interconnected

The following from Abe Rakov, editor of the Daily:

So Saturday the 22nd is Yom Kippur. We aren't going to have training then anymore. Training will take place at NOON on Sunday the 23rd, which is our first day of work. Please be here by noon so we can get started on time since we have to put out a large paper that day. The training should go from 12-1, then desk meetings from 1-2 (no desk meetings on Saturday anymore). And then the day will go like a normal work day.

Granted, Yom Kippur is a high holiday. But for all you Christians out there, aren't all Sundays holy? And who knew it required training to work at the Daily?

Certainly not the readers.

PLAY IS NOT (____)Meet the PLAY panelists!

In perhaps the worst sign yet for the slowly gestating fall staff of the Daily Northwestern, PLAY seems to be fully staffed up. In fact, editor Dani Garcia notified everyone in the world — yeah, on the listserv, but come on, who are you, Abe Rakov? — that the panelists had been hired as early as August 21. I haven't even hired deputies or assistants, but that's another story.

Anyways. Here are this fall's cultural geniuses, with some clues as to their aesthetic leanings.

Let us begin with PLAY groupie Oriana Schwindt, (that's what she looks like on Facebook) who always seems to find herself somewhere on the masthead. She thinks we should stop downloading mp3s and save the music industry. That pretty much ends the discussion, doesn't it? Dani Garcia, feckless idealists have stormed the keep! Shit shit shit.

Then there is Kate Bernot. She got away from the usual PLAY bitchwork (read: writing about anything involving the Jones Great Room) by writing the Freshman Guide's obligatory kinda-anti-Greek essay. It was called "Why I Did Not Rush," which sounds deceptively authoritative. Ooh, it was full of caustic remarks about the "'sisterhood' atmosphere." I really liked it. There is hope! Onwards.

The list of panelists also includes someone with testicles, which is maybe surprising. There he is! In case you couldn't tell from the photo, he wrote music criticism for PLAY in the past, just like Oriana. He also wrote for the freshman guide. It had advice, like Paint the Rock! and Go to Dillo Day! as if that were a choice. Ew, Steve Berger.

Best for last, dudes. Kasia Galazka, who looks really kind of hot in her Facebook photo, will be the last cultural doyenne of the PLAY spread. She also spent some time writing about middling bands — Alkaline Trio, and it goes on — and then did some indentured servitude for Emmet Sullivan's freshman guide as well. Apparently she is something of a hypochondriac, which, much as we might like it, will not prevent this thing from appearing once a week in the world's most entralling magazine.

OUR RESPONSIBLE MEDIAWho needs crazy pills when Bill Smith has historical analogies?

You may have heard that some powerful men want to build a 49-story tower in downtown Evanston. It would be across from Sherman Plaza, which they also built. And nothing — not shitty journalists, not cracked out aldermen, not rival developers, not fledgling Daily reporters — can stand in their way.

Wait wait wait. Could it be there's another constituency here, as yet unheard from in the whispering fray? Yes! The people!

Or so it seems when you first read EvanstonNow spinster Bill Smith's article today. The plans have "brought out a chorus of critics," he writes.

Then he veers off into journalistic la-la land, preaching about how, usually, Evanston's tallest buildings are about a quarter as high as Chicago's tallest in the same time period. What? Yeah, I know.

And it goes on! What with the Chicago Spire, a huge, beautiful, Calatrava-designed tower going up in River North, we're historic-relationshiply due for a 49-story tower!

What do you think? That, maybe next week, someone will take up how people who live in Evanston feel about this? Um, agreed. Meanwhile, the search for intelligent life in Evanston media goes on.

How tall is too tall for Evanston? [EvanstonNow]

THE DINOSAURBriefly: City editor remains outstanding

E-mails went out over the Daily Northwestern listservs this morning announcing EIC Abe Rakov is once again taking applications for city editor. I guess he stopped at some point?

Anyways. We are just 25 days away from the purple lady's first issue of the 2007-2008 academic year, and there remains a gaping hole in the masthead. Why is that, dear readers?

WEEK IN REVIEWSo much mediocre copy, so little time.

• We had a birthday.
• We suffered through the Daily's freshman guide. Twice.
• We found out Delt is dead.
• We discovered H.M.S. Medill is taking on water.
• We kinda read this OTR blog.
• We wrote something really long about transgender people and what, exactly?

Join us next week for the real reason Delt died, why dildos couldn't get us to join OTR and the latest on His Majesty Dean John Lavine's plan to mindrape us all.

SEX FOR ADSEnjoy this totally biased and worthless article about rush!

Every August, as eager freshmen await the chance to imbibe massive quantities of Skol and Natty Ice like their semester-school friends, The Daily Northwestern bombards them with an ad-soaked mountain of p.r. called, ominously, "The Freshman Guide." Here we will review this p.r., and try our hands at truth.

I do not know Alex Apatoff, who wrote the "Guide to Going Greek." Will someone who does please hit her?

If one were to write a Wikipedia entry on the Northwestern Greek system and give every sorority president a line-item veto on objectionable content, it would look like this article. But that's what happens when you assign someone in Greek life an article on it. Ethics, Emmet! Ethics!

Let me tell you something about Greek life at Northwestern. It is not la-tee-da, or whatever. But Alex went to New Trier, and she's in Alpha Phi, a middle-of-the-road sorority — that's her at the house on the right (do remember to take that one down for "recruitment," babydoll) — so she knows the rub. (Though she def gets points for listing "The First Church of Dina Lohan" as her religion on fb. Penguins, though? Ok.)

Whatever. What insights, if any, do we get?

Formal recruitment for Panhel chapters consists of standing in lines in cold weather and making small talk with sorority women for five days straight. On the positive side, you are guaranteed to see at least one streaker, which is as much of a Northwestern must-see as Dance Marathon.

You'll know you're grasping at straws when you're using streakers for spin. And fraternities, what are those like?

It's also of note that NU fraternities, try as they might, are not like "Animal House." They will invite you to their dance parties, and often these dance parties will have themes, DJs and Solo cups galore. It's a great way to spend New Student Week, especially if you brought some fratty pink polos to indicate to the older brothers that you are a new freshman, ready to be rushed.

Except during New Student Week aren't they not supposed to go in houses? Oops! I guess the truth does seep out from time to time.

Shame on you, Alex. Are monogrammed flip-flops and air kisses so worth the pain of writing this drivel? Yeah, hon, we do it for the sisterhood too.

Guide to going Greek [The Daily Northwestern]

SEX FOR ADSOh, the freshman guide. Let's take this one awkward thrust at a time, people.

Once a year, as the sweltering heat of August fades into the crisp days of September, a group of young journalists sell their souls to Evanston retail and restaurants. They do this in an effort to support a year's worth of the triumphant, the boring, The Daily Northwestern. But before they can slave away for $200 a quarter and a couple of clips, they need some capital. Thus, today (ok, yesterday) this year's freshman guide was unloaded upon an unsuspecting public.

So, who are this year's biggest whores? Well, I'll let freshmen guide editor Emmet Sullivan's listserv e-mails tell you:

Thank you to everyone who took a story for it, especially those at the last minute. I think Philip Rossman-Reich, Emily Glazer and Laura Olson deserve a lot of credit for taking multiple big stories.

Ok, we'll get to those prostitutes later. As mentioned, we'll be taking this one painful thrust of meaninglessness at a time.

So, first up. The Titan of the freshman guide himself wrote this year's North vs. South "debate" piece. Yawn yawn yawn, but let's check it out anyway, mmm?

Basically he hands the story off to alleged experts Deena Bustillo (that's her!) and Alice Truong, who besides being Daily staffers (the ethics, Emmet, the ethics!) are really so south at heart. Which would account for the bizarre things they have to say. A sampler:

What kind of people live on your part of campus?
AT: I bet my South Campus could beat up your North Campus. You see, only the most absolutely coolest kids belong to the exclusive club of South Campus living.

Right. I guess that's a sarcastic tone? Yeah, I'm not really sure either. So, what's north campus like?

DB: North campus is filled with those who enjoy frats, 20-minute walks to class, Lisa's Café and sitting around Bobb lounges. There's always something going on at all of the above, and if there's not, then you just walk across the parking lot to SPAC-which makes you feel better about all of your questionable life choices.

SPAC? Life choices? This, friends, is what happens when journalists try their hands, etc. at the world's oldest profession. It's messy, and it doesn't make much sense. Join me tomorrow for more.

North vs. South campus: the great debate [The Daily Northwestern]

THE NEW BLASPHEMY: ANALGod still losing to Daniel Radcliffe in sexual fanfiction wars.

"I want to do something special for this day," Muhammad said sultrily. "I know how we usually do it, and...this time, I want you to take me."

Jesus looked at him with wide eyes, uncertain. While there was no clear 'dominant' man in their union, the Messiah had always been the taken, rather than the taker." (From "Peace on Earth," by Slash Firestorm)

You can imagine where it goes from there. This is a family website?

Anyways. Daily alumna Elizabeth Gibson brings some truly original reporting to The Methods Reporter, the Medill grad students' really quite decent website. The prophets! They're gay! But, thankfully, stories involving Harry Potter outnumber religious pieces 136 to 1. (No mention of Voldemort, who would presumably blur the boundary between the two categories.)

I'd write more, but Ginny Weasley is giving me an erection I really can't ignore.

[Methods Reporter]

BOYS WILL BE BOYSBREAKING: NU Football actually practices

The Summer Northwestern breaks front-page news : "It's time to get those keys ready, find that oversized purple sweatshirt and learn the words to the fight song. It's only five weeks until the Northwestern football season's opening game at Ryan field, and the team is already preparing for a winning season."

No way? five weeks? You mean to say that football season is approaching in the fall this year? And the team is going to practice this summer? And they want to win?

Other reasons why Bob Woodward would have loved The Daily:

• "No one knows what to expect of the Cats this season."
• Tyrell Sutton knows big words: 'When you're up by 30 points, you tend to get lackadaisical.'
• Coach Fitzgerald should edit a certain tween magazine: 'I text message our recruits every day or every other day. Recruiting is a 365-day-a-year job.'

The only unanswered questions: Considering that the seasons starts September 1 and training doesn't start until August 11, why now? Why on the cover? Why Russian novel length? And most importantly, when it comes to NU football, which player goes by Deep Throat?

Only time (and closeted freshmen boys) will tell.

PLAY IS (NOT) MY HOT HOT SEXSpread your ladythings: The PLAY sex columnists arrive

Erm, no! Do not meet them. Their Facebooks — those belonging to "Miss Nina Kim" (yes, really) and her consort/co-columnist Ellen DeBatty (pictured) — are inaccessible!

Pretty tight-lipped for girls who want to share their ladyparts' travels with us all fall quarter, no? Perhaps they are loose with their friending habits?

Instead, let's consider for a moment the altogether fascinating history of the PLAY sex column. (PLAY, for those of you who will be rushing when "Beer" is provided, is the Daily Northwestern's "culture" section, which appears from time to time... fine, Thursdays.)

In spring there was Allie Markowitz (pictured below, posing for her Maxim cover shoot)! Actually, she regaled us with stories about her not having sex in winter and fall, too. In fact, Allie's not-sex was a weekly staple of PLAY. Really made things a must-read.

Occasionally, we heard about a boyfriend:

"I used to mumble "oh, suck my dick" under my breath. My boyfriend gently told me that I shouldn't say that, as it's creepy and crude and I don't actually have a weenie." (5/17/07)

Yeah, but did they fuck? Read 4,000 words of sex columns, and the answer? Unknown! So what did she write about? Mmm. Onwards.

"All I talked about in the month before the big 1-8 was how super cool it would be that now I could get [cigarettes]. Why did I make such a fuss over this? To secretly hide how mother-effing excited I was to go to sex stores!" (5/10/07)

Yes, yes. What follows is what you might expect: Words where there should be pictures.

Amid all this meaningless labia, however, is a more introspective column. One in which Allie realizes, "People might wonder what qualifies me to write this column." Yes. Yes indeed! A few of her answers:

1. "I look at the clouds. And I see penises."
2. She thinks human vocal cords look like "outrageous vaginas."
3. "Now, what does this column have to do with sex? Absolutely nothing."

No, that last one isn't really a justification but it sooooooo sums up her tenure as PLAY's resident sexpert. And you know what? It may not be entirely wrong for Northwestern's sex columnist to never have sex! Mmm, what do you think?

A final quote: "But I make no statements about my virginity. My mommy reads this."

A final question: You read all the way to the bottom! Based on a preponderance of the evidence, is Allie Markowitz a virgin? Comment away.

What is the Pope doing in our picture? And other vexing quandaries concerning freshmen video-blogging

d
While I really get a kick out of some of Intro to 21st Century marketing Steven K. Duke's e-mails, it's hard not to find this morning's all-class bulletin about two video-blogging students grating. First off, if I had made this video, I wouldn't want to expose to other freshmen. I might even think twice before sending it home to Cincinnati or (really, Katy?) "the OC." That said, it wouldn't be altogether surprising if Duke spends his time away from the Baron scouring northbynorthwestern for freshmen-produced content.

But where's the deluge of e-mails about his other students' accomplishments? Dan Fletcher's written some good stuff in the Daily, as has Emily Glazer. Here's to a non-discriminatory Duke. Teaching for the 21st century doesn't mean ignoring newspapers. Much as the Levine ideology may have completely obfuscated their importance, they're still around. And by the looks of it, video-blogging isn't shaping up as too great a replacement.

Daily roundup: Us, them and devo.

From Friday's editions:

• Are you visiting because you read this?

• A case study in The Boring Lede. Oh, Devo, when will you go quietly into the good night? Evidently not before we figure out how to develop pictures.

• Today's shocker: the housing bubble popped in Evanston, too.

• Wait, there's more: Editorial gives a "thumbs-down" to the Chicken Shack robbery. Don't mess with the men of Skokie, guys. That $600 bought more than poultry.

• The Letters to the Editor continue to offer the best critiques of the paper.

Enjoy Colbert, folks. I mean seeing him in the parade. It's not like he's going to, you know, speak.

Daily roundup: homosexuals, Jews, piñatas. Sounds like a PLAY day!

From Tuesday's playful editions:

• Now that it's hit Evanston hard, tea's no longer just dirty water.

• Turns out Searle's a real gyp. Kudos to Rebecca Huval for pitching this.

• Norris finally comes up with a cool mini-course. ¿Has tratado crear piñatas? ¡Debes!
• Forget CAs. Dorms will now have either University police officers on patrol or will be monitored by CCTV cameras. Say hi to big brother!

• Janessa Goldbeck continues to rock all the other Forum columnists.

• "Picture this: Guy meets girl at NU, three years later they marry and 27 years later they receive a Tony award." No, it's not a typo, it was 1969. But yes, we read guy meets guy, too.

• Mel, give us some more "sorry."
  

Daily roundup: Smorgasbord of the unsurprising

From Wednesday's editions:

• As long as Levine is "exploding the curriculum," cover the Medill shake-up as needed, says Public Ed David Spett. Guess we'll see no more of the oh-so-amusing public spats with the EIC.

• NUIT debuts a roving "laptop ER."

• Zinn blasts war, Bush, balding. The solution: Imperialists anonymous.

• The men of Skokie want their chicken. Badly.

Daily roundup: poking unleashed, pep unfulfilled and sleep unimaginable

Tuesday's apertifs:

• Behold the secrets of the poke.

• Get ready for the 47º water balloon fight. And we wonder why homecoming events routinely fail to attract attendees.

• Shocker: NU students find themselves sleep deprived.

• We're not just going organic. We're Go Go-ing organic.

• This week in Alec Davis: Evanston's the only town in America not to go for college football. That's nice, Alec, I'm just looking forward to the day we're washing dishes together in Kowloon.
  

Daily roundup: Play nice, drink Busch Light and, for the love of God, don't write Devo stories (or columns)

From Monday's editions:

• Because we really need another sorority.

• The Devo story list has grown thin.

• CTECs 1, Ratemyprofessor.com 0.

• Let's all "stand in a corner at the Deuce, Busch Light in one hand, free Philly's Best pizza in the other, rocking back and forth and chanting, 'I am having fun, I am having fun …' " like Forum columnist Dave Kucinskas.

• Today's Editorial: Don't take our parking lot, Evanston. It's "not nice."

• We're not the only ones who have issues with Daily columnists. Now why on Earth would Forum editors make the letter critiquing their section the last one published?
  

Daily roundup: NU vs. Evanston, ASG vs. Flicker, limbs vs. whiskers

Friday's odd-job throwdown edition:

• Try the harmonica.

• Tech moves on from regrowing human limbs to developing human whiskers.

• The Devo Duo ante up in the increasingly caustic Evanston-NU battle royale. Seems that the overzealous city may seize the NU-owned parking lot it may want to transform into a government hub. Constitutional whoop-ass. Woot.

• Forum gives the Flicker Film Festival folks a "guest column" to open fire on ASG for wrongly accusing them of bouncing checks and reducing their budget as a result. They call it a "capricious dispensation of discipline." Egregiously lenghty sentences ensue.

• Though its headline may be an embarrasment to journalism, the Schlossberg Friday roundup remains a lovely read.
  

Daily roundup: Today in boring man-made structures: CCS, Tech and parking lots.

From Thursday's snow-slickened editions:

• Tech is leaking gases again, but this time they're not exploding.

• ASG puts the slapdown on the Flicker Film Festival for forging signatures.

• EIC Ryan Wenzel "risk[s] sounding melodramatic" to tell public editor David Spett he was really, really mean to say the Daily's website could use an overhaul. Does anyone else think the better retort to this is to simply say, We don't devote twelve column-inches to the glaringly obvious?

• The good columnist says Kim Jong-Il looks "exactly like a thumbs-up with a smiley-face drawn on it." Other than that, it's pretty much a morbid exercise in international-relations-flavored black humor.

• More NU-owned parking lots are being built to accomodate the cars expelled when Evanston's government moves in to that other one. Or something.

• This just in: CCS is just as boring as you thought.
  

Daily roundup: Monday night mayhem, Scrabble goes Big Ten, Wikipedia explains all

From Tuesday's hot-off-the-presses, Aldermen-addled editions:

• The Devo duo report that the 14-year-old boy whose backyard buzzes with 12,000 bees will be allowed to keep the insects in his backyard. In a 5-4 decision, the Aldermen ignored residents who said their barefoot clover walks were now unsafe due to the possibility they might step on bees and voted to allow "hobbyist beekeeping."

• The duo also report that residents are freaking out over "secret negotiations" between the city and the university to move the seat of Evanston's government to a NU-owned parking lot. Um, guys, you reported on this last week.

• Junior campaigns to incorporate Scrabble into the fold of Big Ten sports. In other news, "completely not newsworthy" is worth 49 points. It's also a triple word score if you convince your eds to put it on the front page. (Sorry, Dan.)

• Today in Forum columnist Alec Davis: There's no need for textbooks; just "Wiki it." This does a lot to explain last week's screed about the impending downfall of American society. And, Alec, I can't tell you how glad I am that the internet did more for you as a 13-year-old than provide a free source of pornography.