NEW STUDENT WEEK GOES NUCLEAR Mary Desler slays the four-headed frat dragon

No one really thought the Greek system would escape unscathed from new student week. Guess what? You were right!

Brace yourselves for article-style Kassner.

So. Mary Desler called an emergency meeting of the heads of IFC frats and Panhel sororities Thursday. At dusk, she shuffled into the gilded halls of Scott Hall, and sat. She flipped through a small stack of 80-weight printer paper, fingering flyers, police reports and emergency room records.

Frats du jour Pike, DU, SAE and Beta — would-be Delt replacers all — were implicated in a panoply of banal schemes to intoxicate freshmen and otherwise embarrass themselves. Over the last 72 hours, three freshmen girls have been hospitalized with alcohol-related conditions, Desler read from hospital records. They came from separate parties; one a victim of DU, the others of Beta and Pike. Then she got to SAE: flyers peppering campus about being "true gentlemen" had directions to an off-campus party on the flip side.

As a result, her highness is referring all four frats, two of which (DU and Pike) are on social probation, to UHAS, the evil acronym that did in Delt. (More on that tomorrow.) She is seeking their suspension. See what happens when you try to replace the DTD?

Oooh, also. I almost forgot. There are possibly police records of a white van brimming with bubbly sorority girls escorting freshmen boys to off-campus parties. Hmm, sound ridiculous? Ahhh I am so scared of you, Mary Desler.

MOVIN' ON UPBriefly: The Elephant Walk

Freshman Girls: If he tells you he's from Delt, and he offers to bring you back to his house to show you, he's lying!

Now that Delt's gone from campus, there are a few things to be settled. What house should freshman girls be trying to sleep with during NSW? We don't know. Leave comments and tell us (but don't say Lodge, because then Kassner will actually think you mean it).

What we do know is that the Phi Delt house is undergoing renovations (who cares, it's a frat house), and 17 of their brothers will be moving into the Delt house. Gossipdesk wouldn't put it past them to drop the Phi in an effort to find even. more. slutty. girls.

Is the move a blessing or a curse? Whatever. Somebody cue The Jeffersons.

WEEK IN REVIEWSo much mediocre copy, so little time.

• We had a birthday.
• We suffered through the Daily's freshman guide. Twice.
• We found out Delt is dead.
• We discovered H.M.S. Medill is taking on water.
• We kinda read this OTR blog.
• We wrote something really long about transgender people and what, exactly?

Join us next week for the real reason Delt died, why dildos couldn't get us to join OTR and the latest on His Majesty Dean John Lavine's plan to mindrape us all.

IT'S LIKE EURIPEDES, BUT WITH RAPEDominic Greene signs Delt's walking papers

Goodbye, Delta Tau Delta. It was fun. Whatever did you do to deserve the wrath of UHAS? (Ew, acronym watch.)

Right. Chime in, people. We know it's over for Delt via Dominic Greene's all-Greek system e-mail, but what finally did it? Roll the tape.

The record stretches way back into the wretched days of Kyle Pendleton, who tried to be like hemlock for fraternities. It was during his reign, in January 2004, that some cocky Delt pledges, part of the frat's biggest pledge class ever, decided to snap photos of their fellow pledge fucking some slag in the chapter room. Excuse the lexicon! I try to fit in sometimes.

Onwards. This poor freshman girl filed a complaint! Naturally shit got rather nasty. Pendleton stretched the investigation out, eventually getting DTD International to levy "private" sanctions on the house, but no one said what they were. It also led to a sexual assault course for Greek students, but the fratasticness was back in effect that fall with an aggressive rush.

And then not a peep for three years. So what was it? I'll tell all, if I see a few educated guesses down there in the comments first.