ANNALS OF RETARDATIONIn brief: There are 24 homeless people in Chicago

True, this report comes from that far-away city reachable only by cripplingly torrid elevated-train service. But nonetheless I'm compelled to share today's news: there are just 24 homeless people walking the streets of Chicago.

I'm pretty sure there are that many outside the CVS on Davis, but I don't work for CBS so what do I know?

Regardless, links. Try not to get hung up on the screamers between the headline and the article. I know it's hard when there are four of them, and they are all about celebrities. Ah, television.

Only 24 Homeless People Downtown [CBS2Chicago]

THE DEATH STAR COMETHAnother helpless planet property "acquired"

[Updated 1:15 CST, 8/9/07]

Ok, Bill Smith. Here's a little to-do list while The Daily's on hiatus and you're the only sober person covering Evanston development.

1. Enough with the crack.
2. Get out of bed with Mr. Vader and this other dude with the glasses.
3. When presented with an extremely obvious question, go ahead. Ask it.

I am, of course, referring to the ongoing gutting of downtown Evanston. What happened today? Developers of the proposed 49-story Death Star (pictured above) acquired the landmark Hahn building, which is south of the property they want to build on.

Wait, you think, because you have the neural activity of a conscious human being: Didn't they say they were only going to use that one plot? Why would they need to buy the other building?

Only you didn't think that, because you are retarded and your name is Bill Smith and, DAMN IT, you were drunk while reporting again!

And who better to bring sense to this fiasco than everyone's favorite whisky-sodden journalist, Bob Seidenberg of the Evanston Review. So why buy the second building? Big reveal, everyone, big reveal.

To prevent anyone else from proposing a development on the block!

Which brings up another really easy question: Wait, you think, didn't someone already propose another development for that part of the block? Yes! Wait, didn't they drop their bid after finding out the people are opposed to Death Stars? Yes!

What aren't you telling us, Mr. Vader and dude with the glasses?

The facts, just to prove my own neural activity:

Developers say they will not touch landmark Hahn building. [Evanston Site Plan and Appearance Review Committee, page 4]
Tower developer acquires Hahn building [EvanstonNow]
Developers neutralize second tower possibility [Evanston Review]

CHERUBIMIn brief: The Cherubs are on LiveJournal.

Against my better judgment, I bring you the news that a girl named Megan — sometimes it's megan, actually; apparently no one under 19 is aware that rules govern capitalization — is blogging from the j-cherub program. Another item to strike from the resume...

Without further ado, an excerpt:

Micayla, I forgot to tell you how grateful I am to you for looking out after Pushkin...she is such a baby :) Anyway, take good care of her, I know you will!

All my love, your sister,
Megan

Again: Jesus. And I'd be remiss if I didn't share this swell comment on her last post:

(Anonymous) wrote:
Jul. 22nd, 2007 11:33 pm (UTC)
Last Week
Megan,
You were our topic of conversation at dinner tonite. We just couldn't believe these last 4 weeks have flown by and you're in the final stretch. We hope you have enjoyed it and broadened your horizons in the world of journalism. We are so proud of you!!
Love you,
Mimi & Papa

[Northwestern Updates]

Daily roundup: Monday night mayhem, Scrabble goes Big Ten, Wikipedia explains all

From Tuesday's hot-off-the-presses, Aldermen-addled editions:

• The Devo duo report that the 14-year-old boy whose backyard buzzes with 12,000 bees will be allowed to keep the insects in his backyard. In a 5-4 decision, the Aldermen ignored residents who said their barefoot clover walks were now unsafe due to the possibility they might step on bees and voted to allow "hobbyist beekeeping."

• The duo also report that residents are freaking out over "secret negotiations" between the city and the university to move the seat of Evanston's government to a NU-owned parking lot. Um, guys, you reported on this last week.

• Junior campaigns to incorporate Scrabble into the fold of Big Ten sports. In other news, "completely not newsworthy" is worth 49 points. It's also a triple word score if you convince your eds to put it on the front page. (Sorry, Dan.)

• Today in Forum columnist Alec Davis: There's no need for textbooks; just "Wiki it." This does a lot to explain last week's screed about the impending downfall of American society. And, Alec, I can't tell you how glad I am that the internet did more for you as a 13-year-old than provide a free source of pornography.
  

Daily roundup: Zambia remains a figment of the collective Northside imagination, pretension is so out and Skype defies linguistic boundaries

From today's menu:

• The Daily remains reasonable sure Evanstonians' African geographical ineptitude is as big as the Ngorogoro crater.

• Faux gras introduction is definitely detering seitan-chomping South Side masses from schlepping to Evanston for their fattened goose liver pate fix.

• Devo writer Kathrin Hanek flaunts the syntactical verve of an exchange student ("Skype is recently finding favor among Northwestern students") to better explain the keyboard dialings of hundreds of foreign students phoning home. No, Kathrin, we haven't Skyped anyone yet. After reading your article, we don't think you have either.
  
• Reader brands Daily's music coverage pretentious ("Because pretension is out, guys. It's so out.") Her reaction to GossipDesk remains eagerly awaited.

• And, finally, because color commentary grinds EIC Ryan P. Wenzel the wrong way like Whoa, drunken football fans at the Globe Café calmly chant, "get them, get them" after touchdowns. And yes, friends, café has an accent.
  

Murdoch legal team crashes Duke/Baron sleepover

As if student outcry weren't enough cause for Intro to 21st Century Marketing lecturer Steve Duke to fix the grammatical errors his 9/29 PowerPoint was rife with, a legal team from conservative media mogul Rupert Murdoch swooped in Sunday to force rectification of the errors. Duke related last Friday the story of a young Murdoch shopping his newest property, The New York Post, to potential advertisers, including Macy's. A sales rep there reportedly told him way back in 1971 that "Your readers are our shoplifters." Duke's slide, however, read "You're readers," and his words were drowned out by the simulcast voices of ten students reading the slide as it were.

The errors didn't escape the tentacles of Murdoch's vast organization, and now the mistake has been corrected. "We didn't really care about this crap between him and the Baron," a rep for Murdoch writes. "If he didn't correct this, thought, we'd have had to sic Billy on him," he said, referring to Fox News attack dog Bill O'Reilly. Word is Duke really feared that he himself might become Page Six slam material if he did not comply with the legal crew's grammarian's requests, as the group found him and 9/29 guest speaker Ed Baron shacked up Sunday in what a Medill rep referred to as a "holistic retreat where the two mulled future media integration, Nielsen ratings and an ad buyout of High Times." But reports indicate it was more like a reacharound sleepover. Murdoch's team nonetheless rolled Duke out of his four-poster early Sunday to force corrections to the material and a midday posting that all but the most hard-working students were bound to overlook. "Look," the Murdoch rep said with a wink, "it's a sticky situation, but Rupert prefers his history to be, at the very least, properly punctuated."