PLAY IS NOT (____)Meet the PLAY panelists!

In perhaps the worst sign yet for the slowly gestating fall staff of the Daily Northwestern, PLAY seems to be fully staffed up. In fact, editor Dani Garcia notified everyone in the world — yeah, on the listserv, but come on, who are you, Abe Rakov? — that the panelists had been hired as early as August 21. I haven't even hired deputies or assistants, but that's another story.

Anyways. Here are this fall's cultural geniuses, with some clues as to their aesthetic leanings.

Let us begin with PLAY groupie Oriana Schwindt, (that's what she looks like on Facebook) who always seems to find herself somewhere on the masthead. She thinks we should stop downloading mp3s and save the music industry. That pretty much ends the discussion, doesn't it? Dani Garcia, feckless idealists have stormed the keep! Shit shit shit.

Then there is Kate Bernot. She got away from the usual PLAY bitchwork (read: writing about anything involving the Jones Great Room) by writing the Freshman Guide's obligatory kinda-anti-Greek essay. It was called "Why I Did Not Rush," which sounds deceptively authoritative. Ooh, it was full of caustic remarks about the "'sisterhood' atmosphere." I really liked it. There is hope! Onwards.

The list of panelists also includes someone with testicles, which is maybe surprising. There he is! In case you couldn't tell from the photo, he wrote music criticism for PLAY in the past, just like Oriana. He also wrote for the freshman guide. It had advice, like Paint the Rock! and Go to Dillo Day! as if that were a choice. Ew, Steve Berger.

Best for last, dudes. Kasia Galazka, who looks really kind of hot in her Facebook photo, will be the last cultural doyenne of the PLAY spread. She also spent some time writing about middling bands — Alkaline Trio, and it goes on — and then did some indentured servitude for Emmet Sullivan's freshman guide as well. Apparently she is something of a hypochondriac, which, much as we might like it, will not prevent this thing from appearing once a week in the world's most entralling magazine.

PLAY IS (NOT) MY HOT HOT SEXSpread your ladythings: The PLAY sex columnists arrive

Erm, no! Do not meet them. Their Facebooks — those belonging to "Miss Nina Kim" (yes, really) and her consort/co-columnist Ellen DeBatty (pictured) — are inaccessible!

Pretty tight-lipped for girls who want to share their ladyparts' travels with us all fall quarter, no? Perhaps they are loose with their friending habits?

Instead, let's consider for a moment the altogether fascinating history of the PLAY sex column. (PLAY, for those of you who will be rushing when "Beer" is provided, is the Daily Northwestern's "culture" section, which appears from time to time... fine, Thursdays.)

In spring there was Allie Markowitz (pictured below, posing for her Maxim cover shoot)! Actually, she regaled us with stories about her not having sex in winter and fall, too. In fact, Allie's not-sex was a weekly staple of PLAY. Really made things a must-read.

Occasionally, we heard about a boyfriend:

"I used to mumble "oh, suck my dick" under my breath. My boyfriend gently told me that I shouldn't say that, as it's creepy and crude and I don't actually have a weenie." (5/17/07)

Yeah, but did they fuck? Read 4,000 words of sex columns, and the answer? Unknown! So what did she write about? Mmm. Onwards.

"All I talked about in the month before the big 1-8 was how super cool it would be that now I could get [cigarettes]. Why did I make such a fuss over this? To secretly hide how mother-effing excited I was to go to sex stores!" (5/10/07)

Yes, yes. What follows is what you might expect: Words where there should be pictures.

Amid all this meaningless labia, however, is a more introspective column. One in which Allie realizes, "People might wonder what qualifies me to write this column." Yes. Yes indeed! A few of her answers:

1. "I look at the clouds. And I see penises."
2. She thinks human vocal cords look like "outrageous vaginas."
3. "Now, what does this column have to do with sex? Absolutely nothing."

No, that last one isn't really a justification but it sooooooo sums up her tenure as PLAY's resident sexpert. And you know what? It may not be entirely wrong for Northwestern's sex columnist to never have sex! Mmm, what do you think?

A final quote: "But I make no statements about my virginity. My mommy reads this."

A final question: You read all the way to the bottom! Based on a preponderance of the evidence, is Allie Markowitz a virgin? Comment away.

Daily roundup: Chitown strikes back in cupcake wars, Evanston aldermen possibly cracked out, PLAY says drink and be mind-fucked by Freddie Kruger

From Thursday's PLAY-infused tab:

• Finally Forum produces a decent column. It has, you know, a feasible point and it's grounded in fact, unlike this week's uninspiringly concocted, mildly racist American Dishwasher in Hong Kong. This one's Goldbeck vs. Bienen, folks. Who wants to pick a winner?

• To the defense of pretension comes letter-writer and PLAY staffer Matt Weir, who says he just doesn't nod his head the same way y'all do to those recycled Timbaland beats. Sadly he avoids the obvious yet dazzling syntactical refutation to this week's anti-pretension screed: Pretension is so in, guys. It's so in.

• Evanston mulls moving its civic center to an NU-owned parking lot. Drive in your car, eat in your car, govern in your car.

• Go solar, so long as your conservative neighbors can't see it. Despite the fact that these two stories on bizarro decisions by city aldermen are written by dynamic devo duo Matt Presser and Vincent Bradshaw, no word yet on what's in the water over at city hall.

• PLAY says host your pre-Le Pasage party at Elm Street Liquors. I say that name's a fucking weird fusion of shady and mediocre horror film and if you're going to pay $185 for bottle service just head to Le Pasage instead.

• Chicago catches up (or cashes in, depending on your perspective) on the cupcake craze that swept the country in 2002. So, this is def. a prime reason the Windy City remains superior to cupcake-incapacitated cities like Dubuque and Hoboken. Yeah, o.k.