THE END NEARS Briefly: Northwestern professors, now knowledgeable about sex.

While they aren't teaching, they seem to be researching. And who to keep better tabs on Northwestern professors than small-town media? Uh, yeah. It's that time again.

Today's finding of dubious credibility: couples who kiss spontaneously are less likely to become depressed than couples who kiss only during sex. Bah. Are there not other times to kiss? Did the depression only count if both parts of the couple was depressed? And are the findings based on 69 freshmen?

Kiss or two might reduce stress, and less computer time could help marriage [TheNewsTribune]

FROM A TO XXXSex, Drugs... no Rock'n'Roll

A Sinderbrand, or Alexandra, or whatever, was Northwestern famous for a certain sorority overshare; a documentary where she spilled the secrets of Tri-Delta's rush process. It was delightful and deranged all at once (and can definitely be found on the internets). She was also a sex columnist over at nucomment.com, but nothing can really compare to telling hundreds of freshmen girls a week before rush that they're not attractive, wealthy, interesting or, um, attractive enough to join the ranks of NU's elite. The truth hurts, don't it?

Well, she's at it again. This time, divulging the dirty (and delightful and deranged) truth about losing her v-card. I could go on and on about this (what will her parents think? what will "Shane" think?), but really, let's just cut to the excerpts for all of you reeling from the weekend and too horny to be at your precious internships:

Here, we learn the extracurriculars that got A into NU:

We found ourselves up against the walls in empty classrooms, on floors, in the grass, rolling around with our hands down each other’s pants. But Shane seemed to like me for reasons outside of my ability to give a decent hand-job. Shane read my articles in the school paper. Shane nodded and smiled at me as he headed toward the locker room at halftime. Shane came to my a cappella shows and set off the standing ovations

Here, we learn about the prep-school importance of fitness and safe sex:

When he pulled off his shirt, I realized we’d never seen each other naked. He was length and leanness peppered with ripped limbs and an eight-pack. Only a thin hemp necklace, left over from the summer, broke the line of his buttery torso. I’m pretty sure I drooled. We were grinding against each other, me in a thong, him in boxer-briefs, when he pulled away and looked at me. The look was the question. “Do you have a condom?” was all I could muster. He said yes and smiled, but it wasn’t a boyish, psyched smirk of anticipation. His voice was shaky when he asked me if I was sure.

Here, a gratuitously hot excerpt:

The sex that followed was simultaneously the most painful and the most romantic experience I’ve ever had. Shane was huge and hard, but his gentleness suggested that he was constantly aware of what I was feeling. He took my virginity in slow, soft thrusts, kissing me in between his low moans. My complete awe and adoration for him shut down my pain-receptors. He didn’t roll off of me after he came. He held me and smiled. I think I knew that night that I’d never fully get over him.

That climax, above, is the climax of her article. After that (spoiler alert!), Shane cheats, A goes on about the double-edged sword of having the perfect first time and manages to turn her lit-porn into a tirade on cheating that makes us at GossipDesk feel guilty.

Still an incredible read though. Medill does teach people to write, after all

THE NEW BLASPHEMY: ANALGod still losing to Daniel Radcliffe in sexual fanfiction wars.

"I want to do something special for this day," Muhammad said sultrily. "I know how we usually do it, and...this time, I want you to take me."

Jesus looked at him with wide eyes, uncertain. While there was no clear 'dominant' man in their union, the Messiah had always been the taken, rather than the taker." (From "Peace on Earth," by Slash Firestorm)

You can imagine where it goes from there. This is a family website?

Anyways. Daily alumna Elizabeth Gibson brings some truly original reporting to The Methods Reporter, the Medill grad students' really quite decent website. The prophets! They're gay! But, thankfully, stories involving Harry Potter outnumber religious pieces 136 to 1. (No mention of Voldemort, who would presumably blur the boundary between the two categories.)

I'd write more, but Ginny Weasley is giving me an erection I really can't ignore.

[Methods Reporter]

PLAY IS (NOT) MY HOT HOT SEXSpread your ladythings: The PLAY sex columnists arrive

Erm, no! Do not meet them. Their Facebooks — those belonging to "Miss Nina Kim" (yes, really) and her consort/co-columnist Ellen DeBatty (pictured) — are inaccessible!

Pretty tight-lipped for girls who want to share their ladyparts' travels with us all fall quarter, no? Perhaps they are loose with their friending habits?

Instead, let's consider for a moment the altogether fascinating history of the PLAY sex column. (PLAY, for those of you who will be rushing when "Beer" is provided, is the Daily Northwestern's "culture" section, which appears from time to time... fine, Thursdays.)

In spring there was Allie Markowitz (pictured below, posing for her Maxim cover shoot)! Actually, she regaled us with stories about her not having sex in winter and fall, too. In fact, Allie's not-sex was a weekly staple of PLAY. Really made things a must-read.

Occasionally, we heard about a boyfriend:

"I used to mumble "oh, suck my dick" under my breath. My boyfriend gently told me that I shouldn't say that, as it's creepy and crude and I don't actually have a weenie." (5/17/07)

Yeah, but did they fuck? Read 4,000 words of sex columns, and the answer? Unknown! So what did she write about? Mmm. Onwards.

"All I talked about in the month before the big 1-8 was how super cool it would be that now I could get [cigarettes]. Why did I make such a fuss over this? To secretly hide how mother-effing excited I was to go to sex stores!" (5/10/07)

Yes, yes. What follows is what you might expect: Words where there should be pictures.

Amid all this meaningless labia, however, is a more introspective column. One in which Allie realizes, "People might wonder what qualifies me to write this column." Yes. Yes indeed! A few of her answers:

1. "I look at the clouds. And I see penises."
2. She thinks human vocal cords look like "outrageous vaginas."
3. "Now, what does this column have to do with sex? Absolutely nothing."

No, that last one isn't really a justification but it sooooooo sums up her tenure as PLAY's resident sexpert. And you know what? It may not be entirely wrong for Northwestern's sex columnist to never have sex! Mmm, what do you think?

A final quote: "But I make no statements about my virginity. My mommy reads this."

A final question: You read all the way to the bottom! Based on a preponderance of the evidence, is Allie Markowitz a virgin? Comment away.