THIS IS WARThe Passion of the GossipDesk

Last week, while i was on something of a bender-cum-birthday vaca, the anonymous geniuses (specifically one blogger with the handle, twothirty) decided to fight our criticism of their shitty investor-backed blog, CollegeOTR, by attacking all that is holy about gossip desk.

"The blog's creator and primary poster would be best advised to wait on calling out others' 'mediocre copy' until he starts mandating sparkling prose on his own pages," the man behind the mask writes. "The writing verges dangerously away from irreverent snark into bitchy, desperate queen territory. Saddest of all, it's not even so-bad-it's-good, Center Stage-style funny."

OK, I like criticism as much as the next person. Even thoughtful criticism proving that Kassner can't write for shit. But the funny part about all this is that... wait for it... the editor of Northwestern OTR has been recruiting the two of us to write for her precious little blog -- and get $500 dollars a quarter to do so. We said "No," but here's how it went down:

Approximately two weeks ago, I get an e-mail from Lena Chen (pictured), a Harvard student who's in charge of this whole Big Brother college blogosphere: "After coming across your blog, I'd like to offer you and your co-author positions on the campus editorial team for NorthwesternOTR.com, no formal application process required," she drooled.

So yeah, Lena loves us. Whatever. We said "No," and she finally got back to me this weekend with the following e-mail:

Sorry to hear that but good luck with Gossip Desk! If you're trying to promote, we're looking into syndicating student blogs on our website as well. Let me know if that's something you're interested in.

I think we're going to pass on that offer, honeycakes, seeing as your writers have already taken it upon themselves to jab the knife in our hearts and increase our traffic at the same time (thanks twothirty!). But doesn't anyone else find it oddly curious that a blogger can be trashing our blog and telling us we can't write while his boss is trying to recruit us? What horror! What inconsistency! What shoddy office politics!

Honestly, I really don't care about all that. I'm only bringing this up because it hits even closer to home. In his post about Gossipdesk, the blogger writes, "The two gentlemen running the place might want to step away from the mutual masturbation and shape things up before job-hunting season."

The truth is, I'm never going to use this blog to get a job. And even further, I don't really need to be masturbatory, twothirty, because you're already blogging about me.

Dear readers, here's a contest: Find out who this punk blogger is (what's the fun in being anonymous, anyway?). Whoever it is creepily remembers what I wore to Fling at the Field freshman year, and obviously doesn't remember that I own sand, not chestnut, Uggs.

All guesses and crucifixions should go in the comment section. Let the witchhunt begin!

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READUs vs. them: Sex advice for the social awkward.

There is a blog out there about Northwestern and it is not this one! It is the home of "Northwestern's best bloggers." There was a contest, or something? Anyways, that's sort of like saying Pinkberry's all-natural, you know? So, from time to time, we try to discern differences between them and us.

There's a reason such subjects are verboten around here. One is our readers are not so socially awkward. (You're assholes! We know.) Secondly, if I were to post about how to get laid if you're socially awkward, it would read like this:

Masturbation is normal!

Over in the hinterlands, they've got some other suggestions. Let's abbreviate, shall we?

Guys should take classes in sesp! Girls should take guys out on dates! Join a campus activist group! (Ed.'s note: What is this, Sarah Lawrence?) Meet people from other colleges! Try Craigslist!

Ok. PSA, people. Do not look for sex on Craigslist. That's how people like Willie the Wildcat, Northwestern's finest blogger, and author of this post, are born.

Even the socially awkward can get laid [CollegeOTR]

WHAT IS... MASTURBATION?There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

Because I was newly invited to this blog, here's a retroactive post. Let's look back to July 20 when Medill unveiled Innovation 2020, an obvious name-borrow from intern autoerotica Ed2010; the only two differences being that the new Medill is for people who want to pay $40,000 to be unemployed and Ed2010 is for awkward girls from middle America who want to pay nothing and work at Vogue.

Innovation 2020 is, in fact, so innovative that Dean Lavine is posting the questions people write in. Just like a mid-90s message board, but without pedophilia. Here are two questions (of the mere six) that I was especially glad Dean Lavine posted... I've always wondered these things myself:

“(Your curricula are) very, very exciting.. .. (We are) evolving our 25-year advertising agency into a “real” integrated marketing organization. The single greatest challenge is finding people who get it. We are constantly on the lookout for people who do. Perhaps there are Medill IMC folks out there that can head up Client Services rather than those who “service accounts.” There is a huge difference, but it is very difficult to find people who understand that, much less do it. The same situation exists in converting heretofore separate entities such as Media, Public Relations, Database Management, Direct Marketing, Interactive into a cohesive “solution neutral” department. Today most of these departments are silos, and the world just doesn’t work like that. We have done a pretty good job of evolving this, but it’s a huge struggle finding people to manage the vision in each of these two crucial areas. … Thanks for doing what you’re doing."

“Wonderful news, Dean Lavine. Thanks for the commitment to take Medill to the next level!"

The new Medill is so innovative that Q&As don't even need to ask questions any more? And apparently, attribution is out too. Every other entry starts with "an alum says," but these dogged interrogations are anonymous.

Could someone at the school be writing in their own compliments? And if so, why isn't Lavine even responding to them? If Medill is going to masturbate while at work, they at least need to clean up after themselves.

Unless, of course, it's happening in the basement bathroom of Fisk.