NEW STUDENT WEEK GOES NUCLEAR Mary Desler slays the four-headed frat dragon

No one really thought the Greek system would escape unscathed from new student week. Guess what? You were right!

Brace yourselves for article-style Kassner.

So. Mary Desler called an emergency meeting of the heads of IFC frats and Panhel sororities Thursday. At dusk, she shuffled into the gilded halls of Scott Hall, and sat. She flipped through a small stack of 80-weight printer paper, fingering flyers, police reports and emergency room records.

Frats du jour Pike, DU, SAE and Beta — would-be Delt replacers all — were implicated in a panoply of banal schemes to intoxicate freshmen and otherwise embarrass themselves. Over the last 72 hours, three freshmen girls have been hospitalized with alcohol-related conditions, Desler read from hospital records. They came from separate parties; one a victim of DU, the others of Beta and Pike. Then she got to SAE: flyers peppering campus about being "true gentlemen" had directions to an off-campus party on the flip side.

As a result, her highness is referring all four frats, two of which (DU and Pike) are on social probation, to UHAS, the evil acronym that did in Delt. (More on that tomorrow.) She is seeking their suspension. See what happens when you try to replace the DTD?

Oooh, also. I almost forgot. There are possibly police records of a white van brimming with bubbly sorority girls escorting freshmen boys to off-campus parties. Hmm, sound ridiculous? Ahhh I am so scared of you, Mary Desler.

POMP AND BOMBAST Letter to the Oriana: This bitch also fights outdoors.

You may recall that some time ago I delved into the murky question of who the Daily has appointed to officiate culture this quarter. I did some shoddy reporting! It turns out that Oriana Schwindt, one of these culture mongers, does not write about music all the fucking time. (There was, however, this helpless paean of a lede: "Stop downloading and save the music industry." Which supports her decision to stay away from such coverage, no?)

Onwards. In addition to pointing out she does not write about music all the fucking time, Oriana points out that I do not have permission to republish her facebook photo. Indeed, I did not.

So, Oriana. Anytime you want, we can take this squabble to the great outdoors and you can empty my bank account. All $22.13. It's yours. I did, after all, out you.

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READ Tomorrow's NBN rehash today

Thanks to the marvels of modern RSS, we can all see what's fermenting under the surface at Northbynorthwestern. Tom Giratikanon, your feeds are all screwy!

Expect forthcoming articles on "hooking up," long-distance something (relationships? ooh, a pair!) and a Dance Marathon blog. That's right, everyone. One outlet covering Evanston's most annoying philanthropy was simply not enough.

Harumph. Also, do expect groundbreaking reporting on these topics! In case you missed today's cauldron of swell stories, here's a recap:

• Freshmen moved in to dorms!
• Advice for said freshmen! "Sleep whenever you can." "Go to football games." Not that those don't jibe.
• And, of course, Patrick St. Michel (I also wonder how I allow myself to type that) still thinks he's Ryan Schreiber. Actually, he wrote all of this. Short on staff, anyone?

Yes, well. Behold the future of media! Lord help us all.

DAILY HERESYIn brief: Media, Jews interconnected

The following from Abe Rakov, editor of the Daily:

So Saturday the 22nd is Yom Kippur. We aren't going to have training then anymore. Training will take place at NOON on Sunday the 23rd, which is our first day of work. Please be here by noon so we can get started on time since we have to put out a large paper that day. The training should go from 12-1, then desk meetings from 1-2 (no desk meetings on Saturday anymore). And then the day will go like a normal work day.

Granted, Yom Kippur is a high holiday. But for all you Christians out there, aren't all Sundays holy? And who knew it required training to work at the Daily?

Certainly not the readers.

JUST LIKE LARRY CRAIGNewer, Darker Willie the Wildcat

Three cheers to North By Northwestern for breaking the news that Willie the Wildcat has received quite the makeover.

Personally, we're a bit confused over here at gossipdesk. His fur is darker and his eyes are lacking in color, saying goodbye to that drunken glint that once rested in them. He's missing that endearing gap-toothed smile, which has been replaced by an impossibly human set of teeth (cosmetic surgery?). His eyebrows have been shaved. Also, what's with the plumage protruding from his face? C'mon, this is worse than Osama bin Laden's newly dyed beard!

Given all these changes (which maybe reflect the newer, darker, post 9/11 world, blah blah blah), I'd stay away from airports if I were Willie the Wildcat. Good luck getting through security with this look...

And oh yeah, go cats!

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READBriefly: Our awesome Evanston media roundup

• So you've heard that the CTA is raising its rates because Illinois isn't appropriating a lot of money to it, which kinda sucks. And the buses that run through Evanston aren't being spared.
• And the big debate facing Evanston these days? Whether or not Sarpino's Pizza should be allowed to stay open until 3 a.m. Chiming in with a No is his Lordeth Jean-Baptiste, who says, "I'd hate to have some radical change going on so that we have people hanging out in the parking lot late at night and have to have the police come and end up creating a mess." Yeah. This is the same guy who opposes arresting the crack dealers of the 7th ward.
  

KILLING THEM SOFTLY Execution four ways.

To their credit, Northwestern administrators do cook up some creative ways to shed us of our bothersome Greek system. When it's not outright removal from campus (seriously, we're getting to it. ok, maybe), it's something like last Friday's e-mail from Bill Banis and the UPD chief about "safety and security."

So. Remember those dorm side door restrictions everyone bitched about last year? Yeah, and how all the freshmen were like, Oh, we'll be living in frat houses so who cares? Well, dare to dream, kids. I quoteth Mr. Banis himself:

Effective immediately, locking all fraternity and sorority secondary doors (side doors, fire escapes) and the main entrance to each house 24 hours a day. Of course, locking these doors should not prohibit students from getting out these doors in an emergency. In the future, these doors will be alarmed, in other words, an alarm will sound if the door is opened. Propping doors open is strictly prohibited.

Hmm. So they'll be locked, but not alarmed. For the time being, at least. Could be worse, right? Oh, it goes on.

Turns out the University wants Bill Banis to bounce at all those hopping SAE parties you were too cool to go to:

Installing closed-circuit television cameras at main entrances of all of fraternity and sorority houses. The cameras should help deter unauthorized entry and hopefully also reduce incidents of students permitting others to follow them into the houses after the student has unlocked the door. The planning for the design and installation of the cameras system has begun and it is expected that cameras will begin to be installed this summer and will be completed during Fall quarter.

And that's happening when? Oh, you didn't read that last sentence? We do edit around here from time to time.

Finally, there are some no-nonsense moves that should really dampen Greek life, at least up north. Everyone's getting fobs, those little electronic keychains that make that satisfying noise. More cops are going to be around. And alcohol patrols will be conducted by police officers, not IFC and/or Panhel staff.

So. Welcome back to Evanston. Deathwatch, anyone? Your super fun predictions of when Northwestern's Greek life will be totally irrelevant in the comments, please.

WEEK IN REVIEW Hmph. We were so lazy this week.

So, what did we do this week? A few things, it seems. A few.

• We added Sparks to the endangered species list. After careful, gut-wrenching deliberations, we decided Bud Extra should be left off.
  
• We pondered which frat house freshman girls should check in to during nsw now that Delt's gone. And yeah, we're gonna get to that whole Delt fracas at a tbd date.
  
• We delved into the Theta kitchen and found some seriously depressing guidelines.
• We found out a bunch of PLAY vets who like to write about music all the fucking time are going to be voicing their opinions weekly this fall.
  
• We inaugurated Red States Lose.
  

COLLEGES YOU DIDN'T GET IN TOWhere is the gut classes guide to Northwestern?

One more reason we totally suck? Yale kids send their friends lists of gut classes all the time. And it's not like, Ooh, take Plants & People, it was so easy. This shit is detailed! Comprehensive! Funny, even.

I want one in my inbox, or in the comments, stat. Dickson and I are far too lazy to produce one on our own. Help us out, people. Rogue CTECs by the Gossipdesk. I'd say we're doing it for the freshmen who've yet to sign up for classes, but that would be a really horrendous reason.

Ivy League: What Are The Gut Classes At Yale [Gawker]

THE LOCALSBriefly: Evanston really loves this black guy who is running for president.

If Bill Smith's FEC tabulations are to be believed, nearly 80 percent of Evanston donations are going to Barack Obama. Jesus, people!

Hillary's a little more popular north of Dempster. Hmm, what do you think the change is there? Racial makeup? Ooh, isn't that where that woman with the cats lived? OK, yeah that wasn't really funny.

Anyways. You all love Barack Obama so so much. Eek.

Evanstonian bet on Barack [EvanstonNow]

CHICAGO GETTING EVEN LESS FUNThe war on Sparks. And Bud Extra? Yeah, whatever.

Ever read Chicagoist? It is so bad! First-person plural? Gah! Nonetheless, sometimes they write about something important, as they did on August 27, 2007.

It turns out that Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan and 28 of her comrades are going after Sparks and Bud Extra (omg who cares?) for being marketed to children. If you've never heard of these things, it is a shame. Do not drink the orange ones depicted at right! They will turn your orifices ochre.

Moving on. Chicagoist says this is hooey. They haven't seen any of this marketing to children or underage adults. (See, "they." I am being suckered in.)

Um, whatever. The point is the one kinda Northwestern bar that serves it is Hamilton's, and it will lose so much of its lucre should Lisa Madigan and her comrades succeed.

Debate "Sparks" Over Buzz Worthy Beer [Chicagoist]

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITYWeather, grades, gossip. Just not the bulimia.

A source in Kappa whispers and a source in Theta confirms the unbelievable: To thwart dinner table talk on such nefarious topics as eating disorders (!) and exercise (!), Theta wardens instituted strict rules barring such chatter from the chapter's ornate kitchen.

The rules were supposedly put in place after this year's unsatisfactory rush was blamed on a perception of Thetas as thoughtless treadmill whores lacking intellectual depth. And you thought girls rush was rife with half-truths and deceit!

Oh it goes on. The wardens also debuted upright plastic placards detailing a rotating list of suggested dinner topics. Hmm, do you think those once held the dinner specials? Yeah, ok.

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READThe chemicals between us.

There is another blog about Northwestern out there. The brainchild of a sex-starved Asian girl who went to Harvard, spread her ladyparts and never looked back, it is being not read by college students across the country. From time to time, we point out the differences between us.

What the fuck is going on over at OTR headquarters? They posted four times this morning, which is more than all of this week combined. Is Lena Chen cracking the whip? Why is pretty much every one written by 'wearyourshaydes'? Does anyone read this thing? Does anyone know?

PLAY IS NOT (____)Meet the PLAY panelists!

In perhaps the worst sign yet for the slowly gestating fall staff of the Daily Northwestern, PLAY seems to be fully staffed up. In fact, editor Dani Garcia notified everyone in the world — yeah, on the listserv, but come on, who are you, Abe Rakov? — that the panelists had been hired as early as August 21. I haven't even hired deputies or assistants, but that's another story.

Anyways. Here are this fall's cultural geniuses, with some clues as to their aesthetic leanings.

Let us begin with PLAY groupie Oriana Schwindt, (that's what she looks like on Facebook) who always seems to find herself somewhere on the masthead. She thinks we should stop downloading mp3s and save the music industry. That pretty much ends the discussion, doesn't it? Dani Garcia, feckless idealists have stormed the keep! Shit shit shit.

Then there is Kate Bernot. She got away from the usual PLAY bitchwork (read: writing about anything involving the Jones Great Room) by writing the Freshman Guide's obligatory kinda-anti-Greek essay. It was called "Why I Did Not Rush," which sounds deceptively authoritative. Ooh, it was full of caustic remarks about the "'sisterhood' atmosphere." I really liked it. There is hope! Onwards.

The list of panelists also includes someone with testicles, which is maybe surprising. There he is! In case you couldn't tell from the photo, he wrote music criticism for PLAY in the past, just like Oriana. He also wrote for the freshman guide. It had advice, like Paint the Rock! and Go to Dillo Day! as if that were a choice. Ew, Steve Berger.

Best for last, dudes. Kasia Galazka, who looks really kind of hot in her Facebook photo, will be the last cultural doyenne of the PLAY spread. She also spent some time writing about middling bands — Alkaline Trio, and it goes on — and then did some indentured servitude for Emmet Sullivan's freshman guide as well. Apparently she is something of a hypochondriac, which, much as we might like it, will not prevent this thing from appearing once a week in the world's most entralling magazine.

MOVIN' ON UPBriefly: The Elephant Walk

Freshman Girls: If he tells you he's from Delt, and he offers to bring you back to his house to show you, he's lying!

Now that Delt's gone from campus, there are a few things to be settled. What house should freshman girls be trying to sleep with during NSW? We don't know. Leave comments and tell us (but don't say Lodge, because then Kassner will actually think you mean it).

What we do know is that the Phi Delt house is undergoing renovations (who cares, it's a frat house), and 17 of their brothers will be moving into the Delt house. Gossipdesk wouldn't put it past them to drop the Phi in an effort to find even. more. slutty. girls.

Is the move a blessing or a curse? Whatever. Somebody cue The Jeffersons.

THE SECOND COMING Briefly: Caesar cliché here

For those who care, there is a new Caesar out there. There's a lot of blue, a lot of boxes and some icons. How web 2.0.

Anyways. Hurry. It should work until this evening.

THE INAUGURAL Someone's found the cure for summer photos! Automatic detag

For some, especially Northwestern students, the urge to place every last iota of one's life online is troubling. Consider this a panacea. Ready, everyone? It's red states lose, end of summer edition!

Official caption: "sandys hair makes me look like i have caveman arms ahahhahahah."
Unofficial caption: Um, animal services?

Official caption: We ate all of it. And Kelly is on crack.
Unofficial caption: (Note: this is from the second of two 60-photo albums chronicling, in minute and really rather silly detail, a trip to San Francisco) Yes, you did. Yes, you are.

Official caption: (none)
Unofficial caption: Ah, yes. The obligatory let's-all-do-our-best-to-look-cute-in-this-terrible-lighting shot. The real story here is in the comments. The one with the leggings apparently detagged herself, writing "why do i look like a lost chipmunk in this picture?" To which the one on the left wrote, "you are so obsessed with the dumbest details in every pic that you'd untag that!!!!!?!?" And oh it goes on.

Official caption: automatic detag
Unofficial caption: Ooh that's good.

THE END NEARS Briefly: Northwestern professors, now knowledgeable about sex.

While they aren't teaching, they seem to be researching. And who to keep better tabs on Northwestern professors than small-town media? Uh, yeah. It's that time again.

Today's finding of dubious credibility: couples who kiss spontaneously are less likely to become depressed than couples who kiss only during sex. Bah. Are there not other times to kiss? Did the depression only count if both parts of the couple was depressed? And are the findings based on 69 freshmen?

Kiss or two might reduce stress, and less computer time could help marriage [TheNewsTribune]