NEW STUDENT WEEK GOES NUCLEAR Mary Desler slays the four-headed frat dragon

No one really thought the Greek system would escape unscathed from new student week. Guess what? You were right!

Brace yourselves for article-style Kassner.

So. Mary Desler called an emergency meeting of the heads of IFC frats and Panhel sororities Thursday. At dusk, she shuffled into the gilded halls of Scott Hall, and sat. She flipped through a small stack of 80-weight printer paper, fingering flyers, police reports and emergency room records.

Frats du jour Pike, DU, SAE and Beta — would-be Delt replacers all — were implicated in a panoply of banal schemes to intoxicate freshmen and otherwise embarrass themselves. Over the last 72 hours, three freshmen girls have been hospitalized with alcohol-related conditions, Desler read from hospital records. They came from separate parties; one a victim of DU, the others of Beta and Pike. Then she got to SAE: flyers peppering campus about being "true gentlemen" had directions to an off-campus party on the flip side.

As a result, her highness is referring all four frats, two of which (DU and Pike) are on social probation, to UHAS, the evil acronym that did in Delt. (More on that tomorrow.) She is seeking their suspension. See what happens when you try to replace the DTD?

Oooh, also. I almost forgot. There are possibly police records of a white van brimming with bubbly sorority girls escorting freshmen boys to off-campus parties. Hmm, sound ridiculous? Ahhh I am so scared of you, Mary Desler.

POMP AND BOMBAST Letter to the Oriana: This bitch also fights outdoors.

You may recall that some time ago I delved into the murky question of who the Daily has appointed to officiate culture this quarter. I did some shoddy reporting! It turns out that Oriana Schwindt, one of these culture mongers, does not write about music all the fucking time. (There was, however, this helpless paean of a lede: "Stop downloading and save the music industry." Which supports her decision to stay away from such coverage, no?)

Onwards. In addition to pointing out she does not write about music all the fucking time, Oriana points out that I do not have permission to republish her facebook photo. Indeed, I did not.

So, Oriana. Anytime you want, we can take this squabble to the great outdoors and you can empty my bank account. All $22.13. It's yours. I did, after all, out you.

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READ Tomorrow's NBN rehash today

Thanks to the marvels of modern RSS, we can all see what's fermenting under the surface at Northbynorthwestern. Tom Giratikanon, your feeds are all screwy!

Expect forthcoming articles on "hooking up," long-distance something (relationships? ooh, a pair!) and a Dance Marathon blog. That's right, everyone. One outlet covering Evanston's most annoying philanthropy was simply not enough.

Harumph. Also, do expect groundbreaking reporting on these topics! In case you missed today's cauldron of swell stories, here's a recap:

• Freshmen moved in to dorms!
• Advice for said freshmen! "Sleep whenever you can." "Go to football games." Not that those don't jibe.
• And, of course, Patrick St. Michel (I also wonder how I allow myself to type that) still thinks he's Ryan Schreiber. Actually, he wrote all of this. Short on staff, anyone?

Yes, well. Behold the future of media! Lord help us all.

DAILY HERESYIn brief: Media, Jews interconnected

The following from Abe Rakov, editor of the Daily:

So Saturday the 22nd is Yom Kippur. We aren't going to have training then anymore. Training will take place at NOON on Sunday the 23rd, which is our first day of work. Please be here by noon so we can get started on time since we have to put out a large paper that day. The training should go from 12-1, then desk meetings from 1-2 (no desk meetings on Saturday anymore). And then the day will go like a normal work day.

Granted, Yom Kippur is a high holiday. But for all you Christians out there, aren't all Sundays holy? And who knew it required training to work at the Daily?

Certainly not the readers.

JUST LIKE LARRY CRAIGNewer, Darker Willie the Wildcat

Three cheers to North By Northwestern for breaking the news that Willie the Wildcat has received quite the makeover.

Personally, we're a bit confused over here at gossipdesk. His fur is darker and his eyes are lacking in color, saying goodbye to that drunken glint that once rested in them. He's missing that endearing gap-toothed smile, which has been replaced by an impossibly human set of teeth (cosmetic surgery?). His eyebrows have been shaved. Also, what's with the plumage protruding from his face? C'mon, this is worse than Osama bin Laden's newly dyed beard!

Given all these changes (which maybe reflect the newer, darker, post 9/11 world, blah blah blah), I'd stay away from airports if I were Willie the Wildcat. Good luck getting through security with this look...

And oh yeah, go cats!

TODAY IN MEDIA OUTLETS YOU SHOULD NOT READBriefly: Our awesome Evanston media roundup

• So you've heard that the CTA is raising its rates because Illinois isn't appropriating a lot of money to it, which kinda sucks. And the buses that run through Evanston aren't being spared.
• And the big debate facing Evanston these days? Whether or not Sarpino's Pizza should be allowed to stay open until 3 a.m. Chiming in with a No is his Lordeth Jean-Baptiste, who says, "I'd hate to have some radical change going on so that we have people hanging out in the parking lot late at night and have to have the police come and end up creating a mess." Yeah. This is the same guy who opposes arresting the crack dealers of the 7th ward.